Transgendered Ramblings from Melissa

Going Home Again-The Class Reunion

2010-05-28T12:19:00.000-07:00

There was a old saying that “you cannot go home again” which meant that if and when you do things will be so different that it is not the “home” you remembered it to be if you have been gone so long and everything changed. This is also because you have also changed since you left and for someone like me that change can be far more significant than most other people. However, I think that sometimes you can go home again in small doses and while there clearly there have been changes they can be put aside for period of time to reconnect with friends from the past. This is particularly true for attending a high school class reunion when one has experienced what I have been through in coming out as transgendered and going through all the changes I have been through over the last few years.

This past weekend I attended my 32nd high school class reunion. Now most of you not associated with my class are probably asking “32nd” class reunion? That seems like a strange number. Well I would have to agree with you on this but our class did not get together on our 25th or 30th so it had been since 1998 since our group had gathered and one of my classmates, Debbie Stith Arlinghaus decided we had waited long enough so she organized the gathering of the BHS Class of 1978. She put a lot work into planning the event and gathering up the gang and the turnout for the reunion was really truly fabulous. Facebook and other internet connections always make this process a bit easier than it used to be that is for sure.

When I first heard about the event I will admit that I did not immediately jump at the idea of “going back”. Things have not always gone well in the past when I have attempted to reconnect or stay connected to others in past periods of my life and I was not sure how this would play out as well. However, after a couple days of thinking about it and some chats with Debbie I decided it was not fair for me to assume anything about my old classmates (yes we are all old as about 99% of us hit 50 this year) and I should give them an opportunity to meet the person they did not know as well as they maybe thought they did in high school. Besides it would only be for a few hours so if it went sour I could always bail and return to my new home here with my partner and friends in Columbus. Despite the bit of trepidation I decided I would go so I reworked some things on my schedule and hopped in my car to head south on I-71. I had a few minutes to kill before heading out to the location of the event so I drove through my old hometown and drove by a few places that were always special to me as well as my high school and my home I was raised in and lived in until I left for WV.

I got out of my car and headed up the hill to where the event was taking place which was a nice bar with a great outdoor venue area and patio owned and operated by another classmate of mine Pam Reeves Caudill and her husband who also graduated from our school but not in the same class. I was immediately welcomed and hugged by Debbie and Pam and a host of other women from my class. Some like Kelly had had some experiences with peoplefrom the LGBT community. No- not those kinds of “experiences” but conversations and such but the fact she had been around others did not surprise me as Kelly was always the adventurous one in school!) The questions began and I answered all of them and kidded with them about the whole process and what had gone on over the last few years in my life and my journey. It was great to see everyone again and talk about our lives and even the past.

The internet is sometimes a double edged sword. While it clearly helped me connect with other people like me and learn more about events, community support and groups and such, it is also a source for vast information about someone or the aspects of one’s life that become revealed to others. My high school is in a large metro area of Cincinnati but the town itself is a small one and just like what had happened in my town where I lived in WV for over twenty years, the “news” of my life and transition and the fact I was transgendered did not stay under wraps for long. Apparently, just like the firestorm which hit my old town in WV, word spread like wildfire through my old hometown and place of birth just as fast. Evidently, many discovered a website I had created on my struggles and journey and my “secret life” but in all honesty I sometimes forget how easy it is to do so. I had become Facebook friends with some of them over the last year as well. So they all knew a lot more about me and what had on gone on my life over the last few years. A few out of town people obviously did not know what had transpired so that called for a bit more explaining.

Despite all this I think it was important that they got to meet the real me- the one they never even knew existed and who lived deeply buried in a tightly wrapped shell for a good part of my life. Maybe in the deep recesses of the back of my mind I thought maybe one day they might get that opportunity if I could find my way through the entanglements that could lead me to the other side and letting people see me for who I am and always really have been in this life- Melissa.

I still of course got a lot of questions and I answered them all the best I could and I do not consider anything to off limits. The learning process requires openness and honesty. I answered questions about my surgeries and transition both physically and legally. While I enjoyed catching up on what has gone on in their lives and work (it is hard to believe some of my classmates have grand kids!) I have to admit I did get a few “different” questions during the evening. Some of these included wondering whether “pink was my signature color” or “how I took the name Melissa” to the best one of the night which came after I explained the surgery and the fact I have a vagina now when I was asked “does it work?” Yes- it does work quite well thank you!

Most of my chats that evening were with the women in my class who I will say were just a bit more overall comfortable with me than some of the men but I kind of just expect that will occur in these situations. I usually get one or two of the men who still insist on addressing me in the wrong gender pronoun but that is expected. I had a nice chat with Jeff. Jack also listened as I tried to explain all this in a few minutes to him but at least his last question was right on point when he said “I don’t understand all this but are you happy with your life now?” and after answering affirmatively , he said , “I guess that is all that really matters”.

Dave Fessler was one of my good friends from high school and I received a warm hug from him and his lovely wife, Jill. He also sent me several messages before the event and after which I clearly enjoyed as well. In the one before he stated “Hello old friend. While this new you is taking some getting used to, you are as much a friend as always. Forgive me in advance though if I ever use your "old" name! Take care. In the one to follow the reunion he stated “Great to see you (and all our classmates) at the reunion. Hope all went well and you enjoyed yourself. Jill and I had a great time and I enjoyed seeing everyone.Beyond that, I wanted to share a quote with you that I often think about and which I think you will also appreciate. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote that ‘What lies before us, and what lies behind us are small matters when compared to what lies within us.’ Take care, and God's grace be with you.”

Yes Dave I appreciate that quote very much and I think it is quite appropriate for me in my journey. I had a blast at the reunion and it was indeed so much fun to see everyone again and let them get acquainted with the person they did not know as well back in the old days but who by their actions and expressions have proven that form time to time you can go “home” again and always will be welcome when you do!

The Winter Blues

2010-02-24T12:49:00.000-08:00

I dislike winter a great deal and seem to do so more and more each and every winter season. Sure a little snow and cold is nice in December to celebrate the holidays but it quickly grows old by the time it is time to put the Christmas Tree away for season. Particularly harsh winters like the one we have experienced here in central Ohio these past few months seems to only make my distain of winter even more intense. It seems like I cannot remember looking out the window of my dwelling and not seeing piles of snow everywhere. I have broken a windshield wiper and an ice scraper already this season with the removal of snow from my car. I have driven home from work after a 14 hour day with 10 inches of snow on the ground and the interstate reduced to system with two tire tracks on an icy, snow-packed nightmare where top speeds are 20-25 miles per hour! That was, of course after I spent twenty minutes just digging my car out of the parking lot to even begin driving. That mess had barely settled when another storm dumped ten more ….enough is enough already!.

When I was a child winters never better me much at all. Wintery days full of snow and ice meant the ever precious “Snow Day” from school and that the ice and snow conditions were great for sledding with my friends in my neighborhood. The cold invigorated me and winter seemed liked fun. Today, I find it disgusting. Even when it is not snowing, it is spewing another of my least favorite weather conditions- cold rain. Let me state this for a fact, nothing cuts through your body to chill and ache your aging bones like cold rain! Even when it is not snowing or raining, it stays cold, dark and grey and always overcast. My sinuses hate the effects of winter. My car hates driving in it and the effects of snow and ice and salt do nothing but damage its frame and push it to survive. My body is deprived of the warmth of the sun. Each year that we finally experience that nice warm sunny spring day I bask in the warmth the sun and breeze on my body like my entire body is renewed with life.

Some people ask why I don’t move somewhere where it is warm even in the winter. First of all, those places those places are near my group of friends here. Secondly, they are usually in places where the cost of living is three to four times that of the Midwest. I realized the other day I have lived in only four cities in my life and all four are drivable from the other by a five hour drive or less. All the cities have experienced the seasons full cycle. Each year, it seems to me that winter last longer. I know it doesn’t actually but it sure feels like it does. The winter of 09-10 has been one of the worst and I have struggled with its wrath and effects much more than in winters past. The absence of the sun affects me emotionally as well. Each winter seems to have a cumulative effect on my body and spirit. I don’t think Paula has enjoyed much of this winter as well. So I for one cannot await the arrival of spring. I will sing and dance with great joy and let the sun’s warm rays cast down upon my body. I will take great joy in celebrating the demise of the cold, dark wet winter and sing of spring’s sweet arrival!

Pictured above is my friend Lana and I at my birthday dinner celebration last month.

Politics of Change and Focus

2010-01-31T15:39:00.000-08:00

Politics is a very dirty word and not just figuratively any more. We have all seen the polls out there that show that Republicans and conservatives are the favorite darlings in Americana and in the state of Ohio where I live. Just a little over a year ago the landscape looked vastly different and liberals, progressives and Democrats (myself included in this "mix") were celebrating the gains in the U.s. Senate and House and President’s historic election as this country’s first non white President. In Ohio seats were gained that shifted control of the house to a more progressive view. There was talk of HB 176 in Ohio which provides protections to those in the LGBT community against discrimination at work, in loans, in housing and public accommodations. At the national level excitement grew that we could realistically see serious reform to a health care system which is designed not to take care of people but to see that insurance companies makes billions of dollars. The largest turnout ever for NCTE’s lobby days occurred last spring on the belief that ENDA legislation was a real possibility. DADT could become history and we even thought we might see a few wins on the issue of same gender unions in some states although it was not going to be Ohio due to George W. Bush’s campaign team putting a constitutional issue on the ballot in 2004 so he could win re-election. All in all, it looked like some real progress for social justice and reform might actually be accomplished- something that has not happened since the 1960’s.

However, when President Obama entered office last January the winds of force began to change and change quickly. There are several factors for this phenomenon-not the least of which is the fact he is black and the boys with the white privilege began to feel threatened by the fact the President was not among “their crowd”. Secondly, the economy- thanks largely to the ineptitude and design of his predecessor, President Obama entered office with the fragile economy at its lowest point in a very long time and a bank crises and faltering stock market to boot. The Republicans, who under “W’ took the surplus that Clinton had left and spent it and then some to the tune of 6 million dollars then tried to blame it all on the “liberal Democrats” as they always sing that tune. When Obama added one million more through the stimulus bill all of a sudden he is the coming of the Antichrist! Tea baggers and religious right wing extremists bolstered by their win on Prop 8 and other states began chomping at the bit to take him apart. Since then the polls for Obama and Democrats at the national level as well as state level began spiraling into the abyss and with their downfall came any hope of passing progressive legislation or correcting a healthcare mess that leaves forty million people uninsured. Healthcare, my friends, is not a luxury – it is a necessity of life to sustain one’s self. The economy is sluggishly improving but no one expected it to turn around over night- not with the biggest downfall since nearly the great depression. Bottom line is that many people have no jobs, no healthcare and no rights. This is particularly important to those of us in the LGBT community who are swimming at the bottom of the cesspool. It is downright depressing and I am not very hopeful.

Can Obama and the Dems salvage the situation? Possibly but it would take a near miracle. I mean let’s face it, a beefcake boy from the Republicans wins the seat that six months ago was held in Massachusetts by one of the most progressive and liberal U.S. Senators in history for the past forty years! A year ago that would have been laughed at if anyone even suggested it. Obama must change his direction if he has any chance of minimizing the damage this fall across the country. Here is what I would do to try and salvage the mess.

First of all, embrace the progressives and liberals who helped get you elected in the first place Mr. President. Unless you energize this base the Dems stand no real chance of averting disaster.
Second, pack up all the troops in the Middle East and come home. We have wasted billions of dollars of taxpayer money engaged in two wars we cannot win in countries with culture we cannot understand. Divert the troops to two main purposes such as helping the nation and countries such as Haiti rebuild from disasters. The balance of the forces should be used to protect our borders from threats to our country by people who misuse Islam as a front to afflict hatred and terror on the people of this country. The money we have spent fighting wars in Iraq and Afghanistan over the past nine years could have financed the finest healthcare imaginable for every citizen of this nation.

Third – fire your advisers and some of your staff Mr. President. These people have aided in the financial mess this country is in and they are also giving you so much bad advice
Fourth- stand up fiercely to the opposition and show leadership.
Fifth- the economy is on everyone’s mind and is the only way you can get back in the public’s good graces so come after it and put in an aggressive policy that includes not just stimulus money but tax breaks and incentives. Reward business which expand, those that start and those that hire Americans and punish the cheaters and those that shift jobs overseas. Create opportunities and incentives for starting businesses in deeply economic depressed areas. Think outside the box and hammer the opposition if they fail to step up to the plate and contribute.

Next- get the healthcare reform bill through Congress by simplifying it. Reform things like pre-existing exclusions and insist on public option for the forty million Americans without any healthcare. Healthcare is not a luxury but a necessity. The public option would bring the carriers more in line and provide option for those unable to procure insurance through private means. Keep the plan simple and focused on prevention as well.

Finally, pass ENDA. Civil rights are just that- ensuring that all people are judged by their work and character and not who they once were anatomically or who they sleep with or wish to be with as a partner. The same was true for gender and color and race and age and disability and everything which has come before. Basic rights cost the government little out of the treasury. Every citizen is entitled to them – period – end of issue! If people want to discriminate in who they let come into their church or synagogue or masque so be it but every citizen is to be free of discrimination in necessities like a place to sleep and eat and a job to pay for the basic necessities of life. Get out there and explain it in terms of civil rights.

There you have it Mr. President- keep it focused and simple -push and explain and don’t wait to do something until it is too late. Show the fight and spirit you showed in running for office and promising change. Demonstrate leadership and vision and reassure Americans. It’s what politics is really all about and not the system of stalemate and posturing that only gets us further in the whole in this country!

The Ominous Birthday!

2010-01-13T14:06:00.000-08:00

I remember the day I turned 16 and headed off to take my driver’s test so I could have that coveted driver’s license which would give me so much more freedom, or at least I thought. I still even remember my birthdays as a child with two parties- one for the adults and one for my friends from the neighborhood and school. My mother, who, like me, loved to bake, would always make cupcakes and take them into my grade school on my birthdays as well. The kids would all sing Happy Birthday to me on my special day. I did not mind my birthdays at all-for who would not like cake and ice cream and presents! It was my special day! As I grew older the celebrations diminished but it was my special day and one cannot ever outgrow cake and ice cream not matter what age!

When I turned 18 I remember the wild party that ensued with my high school classmates for I had reached adulthood and was now able to vote, work without restrictions, own my car and other property and for most things treated as an adult. When I turned 21and was able to legally drink everywhere and I remember my friends taking me out for a wild celebration that included each one taking turns buying me shots of their choice (and each trying to be more “creative”) with the expectation that I was to make it to 21 shots in addition to all the other alcohol I had consumed. I remember 17 shots but nothing afterward until about 5 AM in the morning when I was eating at some 24 hour diner with the few survivors. It did not matter- I was young and I was invincible. I did not need sleep and I partied like there was no tomorrow- what did I care I was young and my whole life was ahead of me!

Each birthday after that was a nice celebration of cake and ice cream and each birthday morning in my old life began with the playing on the stereo of the Beatle’s classic hit “Birthday” followed that evening by presents and cards from my family. My ex always took me out to dinner to celebrate as I did for her birthday. When I turned 30, I still felt so young and invincible and still carrying deeply buried secret so immersed in side me- but I still had so much of my life left. My daughter was only four and my son had just been born two weeks earlier. I made more money than I knew what do with as a young partner in a law firm of much prestige.

On the day I turned forty I took the day of work to spend the day with my son and daughter who were off school for some reason. By this time the secret I had been carrying had long since emerged and I had long begun struggling with my identity of who I really was underneath that shell that hid me so well for so long and my career was began to unravel as well. But I still believed I could control it- I was invincible! The day started as usual with the blaring of the Beatle’s tune and that weekend would be presents and cake and dinner with my family. My staff at the office had decided to decorate my office with tombstones and black streamers and all sorts of decorations insinuating that I was “over the hill”! I laughed at the spectacle. I was forty- I was still young and I had my whole life ahead of me and I was still a partner in a law firm and making more money in year than my father made in six or seven years! I did not give one thought to the decade that was ahead of me.

The past decade did many things to shake me from my feeling of youth and invincibility. My true self continued to emerge from the layers I had poured on her and made me feel so much more alive but also so much more vulnerable. A few years into the decade I would be faced with dealing with Alzheimer’s which had ravished my mother and the advanced age of my parents as well as the ultimate deaths of my mother and my father and the untimely death of my brother. I began to realize that I was not invincible and someday my time would come. I did not want people to remember me as the person I was not and as a coward who hid the real me from the world. The decade would bring about the decision to transition to live my life as who I really was and not someone I pretended to be. I left the law firm and began another career and then yet another. My transition brought about many changes in me and the disintegration of my family relations and rejection of my children. I met Paula and over a year fell in love with this beautiful loving woman who accepted me and embraced me for who I truly was and we began a life together but that only added more pain to others. I would be challenged physically with medications, hormones, laser and electrolysis and, of course, several difficult and physically challenging surgeries to bring my anatomy in line with my soul and essence!

Now in a couple weeks I will hit another milestone- my fiftieth birthday! 50- For God sakes that is old! I really don’t feel that old and hopefully I don’t look it either but just saying it makes me feel old. Thirty was young and forty sounded kind of young-BUT 50 is old. I face this coming birthday with some trepidation! I don’t care what you say about some of you hitting 50 or even 60 or 70 already ……turning fifty really hits you right smack in the face with a taunting message that says…”Just how invincible are you now girl!!!”I can no longer tell myself I am in my forties and still “sort of young”. No – I am about to embark on the fifties and that my friends is no longer young- no matter how you look it. I am a middle-aged woman……

Although I will enter this birthday landmark with some trepidation; I cannot stop it from coming anymore than I could all the rest of them that have come before …..it will come just like the rest of them came, with a little fanfare, some well wishes and cards, some presents from my love Paula, a nice dinner out and some cake and ice cream. It will come and I will enter a new decade of life but this decade will be at least one of living it as who I truly am and always have been! Maybe it will also include a blaring of a little Beatles tune as well….I guess I should be glad it is not “When I’m sixty-four” huh?

2009-a wild ride that got wilder!

2009-12-28T13:45:00.001-08:00

As we come close to closing out yet another year I always take stock in what has happened in my life as we near the dawning of yet another year. 2009 will definitely go down in my memory as the most challenging and exciting years of my life. When I closed out last year I talked about the wild ride for 2008 that brought about many changes and I discussed what was to come in 2009 but that foretelling was only the tip of the iceberg in my life journey. There will probably never be another year like this one but that is good as I need to settle in a bit more although I know there are many more paths to trail in this journey and challenges ahead- at least I hope so anyway!

The beginning of this year brought about the inauguration of a new President - one that only 20 years ago would have seemed nearly impossible. An African- American was installed as our newest President although he came in under circumstances which were far from optimal and far more challenges than many other s had seen in sometime. I was driving to Boston that day with Paula for what would be the first of my surgical procedures on 2008 that would alter my body and anatomy to comport with not only my presentation but my inner essence and soul as well. We stopped in a service center in Connecticut for gas and lunch and watched the process on TV as it unfolded. I would have loved for my father to have seen this as he believed he would never see such a sight in his lifetime and he was right. He died a couple years to soon. My brother – one of the few people I know who actually admits voting for McGovern in 1972 would have loved it to but atlas his life had been cut short not long before our father.

Boston would involve about 13 days of stay in a hotel room while I recovered from the trauma and pain of having my face and head torn apart by a skilled plastic surgeon able to only eat soft foods in small bites and a routine of medicine, ice packing and even boredom relieved only by computer contacts and phone calls and a wickedly lengthy game of gin rummy with my partner, my love and my supporter – Paula! We left there to travel to Philadelphia where we both met with our surgeon to discuss the next round of surgeries as well. I returned home to find out I was had been terminated from working for a company on their planning projects because I was transgendered and people were uncomfortable working with me. I am sure that not too long ago people were uncomfortable working with African Americans and now such individual had become President of this great country of ours! I became more resolved than ever from this experience and Paula and I continued our efforts to seek justice, liberty and equality of opportunity and to pursue our happiness in life by continuing to work with groups such as TransOhio, Equality Ohio and NCTE to promote such concepts through rallies and lobbying, letter writing and meetings and workshops as we sought to have enacted Ohio HB 176 as well as ENDA and the Hate Crimes Bill. Discrimination and hatred against those of us in the LGBT community for simply being who we are and we who we want to be with must end and this struggle for dignity will endure for some time to come. We traveled to our state capital in Columbus as well as our nation’s capital in Washington, DC. There is still so much more work to do and we will continue to pursue these goals and face the challenges in the years to come.

The spring also brought about our move from Circleville to Columbus and we still are so grateful for all our friends who helped in this massive endeavor. I know there would pieces of stuff and some boxes left out in the parking lot of our complex if it was not for these wonderful people and I know simple thanks is not enough. Paula and I have always taken the position that our home is open to all who need to come just to chat or crash for a day or two or however long is needed to our friends even if that principle angered some others through our acts of kindness. We continue to maintain that principle.

By May we were making plans for the first trip to New Hope Pa for my long awaited gender confirmation surgery which others call by many other names such as GRS or SRS. However, to me it was GCS because it confirmed my true gender and being and merely altered the anatomy to comport with that true gender and the essence of who I am and always have been. New Hope is cool town and Dr. McGinn is an exceptional caring physician and my life in New Hope for two weeks again saw many challenges and more assault on my body from the GRs as well as another procedure. Even the preparation process beforehand was nothing fun to write home about! I should have invested in pain medication stocks before this year began- that is sure! I survived another long ordeal on the operating table and days in the hospital with an exceptionally caring staff and then shared a hotel with several other women like me who had undergone the ordeal the same week I did. Some great friendships were built which were not there when the year began.

In July it was time for another trip to New Hope. This time I would be the care provided as Paula underwent the GRS as well as another procedure. She had a bit more difficulty than I did in all this process but we still enjoyed our time in New Hope again. We made more friends and Paula received the same excellent care I did from the staff of the hospital. For both of us our life after these surgeries took on new challenges for us in the form of dilations! Both of us had to push our way through the legal and political process of getting new birth certificates and changing the gender markers on driver’s license and all other governmental and agency records.

Throughout this year Paula and I have become increasingly involved and active in our new spiritual home at North church – am open and affirming congregation of loving people that has extended our circle of friends and who are more like family to us. We are both actively involved in many committees and projects and community outreach endeavors. This church was also the place where Paula and I celebrated our love for each other in a same gender union ceremony in October. Paula and I were so happy to hold this service in front of our friends and “extended family”. We always will cherish the memories of this wonderful day!

This year has brought about a change for me in my career as I embark on yet another occupation. Using my experiences and education and training in government, law and business I became an instructor and embarked on teaching a generation of students that are the same age as my children. I love teaching a great deal and have found much joy and many challenges in this endeavor. Paula and I celebrated our second Christmas together and this marked yet another year that has gone by without contact from our family who have refused to even communicate with us by any means of communication currently known to humankind! It is sad and this lack of even trying on their part causes us some pain but we support each other and with the help of our friends we endure and go forward. Each day that goes by brings about the understanding that such communication and exchange may never come and while that is sad- it is something we have learned to deal with in our lives! I do not know what 2010 has in store myself or for us but after what all has gone in 2009, I don’t see how it could be any more of a wild ride then we have seen over the last couple years!

I wish each of you a beautiful and peaceful and wondrous New Year for 2010!

Holiday Cheer and the Christmas Spirit

2009-12-09T10:28:00.000-08:00

Those of you that know me pretty well know that my favorite holiday season is Christmas. Always has been and probably always will be. I love the season for many reasons – some very silly reasons and others much more deep and complex. Some of the silly reasons include the fact there is the opportunity to decorate your home and make it much more festive than it usually is during other parts of the year and this year is no different just because Paula and I live in a townhouse apartment. Many people in our church were shocked the other day to find out in a survey our minister did during his sermon that we have four trees up in the “homestead”. Now prey tell were does one put up four trees in an apartment? Well all of them are seven feet and under and the littlest is about a foot tall.

One tree is the main one in our living room and it is red, green and white lights and decorations of ornaments I have collected from everywhere I have travelled around the world. There is a smaller tree in the alcove near our dining area which highlights the Santa’s and elves I have including one wind up Santa which was bought by my grandmother in the 1930’s. Other decorations adorn shelves and tables and some throw pillows for chairs and couches. I put lights in our kitchen window and lighted garland leads the way to the second floor where a small tree appears in our bedroom and another larger one in my office window. That one is done in blue and silver lights and ornaments. Finally, a wreath on the door and small inside door knob decorations finish off the touch along with some candles and a poinsettia. The last touch of course is the hanging of Paula and I’s stockings for the jolly old elf to fill up with goodies!

Another reason I love the season is all the parties and sharing of food, drink and fun with many wonderful friends we are blessed to have in our lives. I love sending and receiving holiday cards and greetings with friends as well. I also love to bake and Christmas means the opportunity to bake delightful treats. I usually bake between 7-9 different kinds of cookies and bars for the holidays. I am even having one of our friends’ daughters come over to help me so I can teach her how to do press cookies. I will admit that all these parties and treats do not do much for one’s waistline but life is short so take a bit of time off and enjoy and stick to diets and exercise the other 11 months of the year. I know the week of Christmas itself Paula and I will be helping prepare the Sunday dinner at the Y family shelter for 150 plus people. We look forward to this and we decided to get some small toy presents for the children there as well. Paula and I decided after some prayerful contemplation to take over the coordinating of this outreach program for 2010. Paula and I also “adopted” Anne and Marie’s children for the Christmas season and we had a blast going out buying them each a present for Christmas and we plan to have them all over with their moms to celebrate together and watch them open their presents. We also plan to take them over to the Columbus Zoo to see the holiday lights display.

That week is also a time off for me and I will relax and watch some holiday movies including Scrooged, A Christmas Story and the mother of all Christmas comedies- Christmas Vacation. I always watch my favorite holiday production- A Christmas Carol performed so admirably by the talents of George C. Scott. Paula and I are going see the production as well at our friend Lyn’s church this weekend. I will cook us a nice holiday dinner that week as well and on Christmas Eve we will go to a friend’s house for a shared meal together for those without blood families to go to on Christmas. I say blood relatives because I have a family here in Columbus but it is not related by blood (those people all rejected me) but one connected by love and friendship. I cherish these people deeply and they are my chosen family! Christmas Eve will also mean a lovely Christmas Eve service at our church and then home for “long winter’s nap” before waking up to celebrate Christmas morning with Paula. Later that day we will gather with more of our extended chosen family for a movie and dinner.

The holidays are a wonderful time also for hope, love and peace which are some mighty wonderful things. It is a time of year when humans are more inclined to “open their hearts to their fellow creatures” and show acts of kindness and love to others who are less fortunate and in need. It is not the fact that we should be doing this everyday of the year but it seems to get done a little better during the holidays. It is a time of year when people laugh a little more and feel more kindness and warmth inside. For one time a year “we become the people we always knew we could be” (again seeing how well people remember these lines from the movies). Peace on earth is a nice saying and I hold out hope that someday this may be a reality for us and not merely a wish but it is going to take a long journey to get there.

Love and hope also have special meaning for meaning I as get ready to spend another holiday season away from my children who I love so dearly. I would consider the best gift (even better than a Red Rider B-B gun) I could receive this or any Christmas is for my children to end their silence and rejection of me and to begin reconciliation with me by picking up the phone and calling me or even just sending me a card or e-mail over the holidays. We have to begin somewhere and what better time to begin then over the holidays and I will always hold out hope that I might someday receive this gift from them. If all I ever have is hope then so be it. I will not live without hope and I will work each day to be a better person and promote more love, peace and hope! That is the message of the holiday season and I will share my Christmas Spirit and good cheer with all and especially our warm, loving friends who have made us part of their family!

So all our friends out there I wish you peace, joy, hope, love and good cheer this holiday season and have your selves the “hap-happiest Christmas since Danny Kay tapped danced White Christmas with Bing Crosby” Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy Hanukah! Happy Kwanza! Best wishes for a great New Year filled with much love and hope and peace!

Thanksgiving- Past and Present

2009-11-21T18:55:00.000-08:00

This week is Thanksgiving and it is hard to believe that the holidays are upon us again. It does not seem so long ago that I was celebrating this day for the first time with my partner Paula. Actually, it does not seem so long ago that I was celebrating this day with my family who now is so distant from me. However, even then we hardly ever celebrated the event in our own home. In twenty –five plus years my ex-wife and I and later our children celebrated this day in our own home only twice. We were always packing up and heading to my parent’s house or her parent’s house to celebrate this day. Year after year after year the process was repeated but at least I got to celebrate this day with my family.

I still vividly recall the last Thanksgiving with my parents. We were coming over to pick them up to take them out for dinner but my father was in such poor condition he could not get himself ready and we found him in night clothes at noon sitting with my mother who was only months from her death and who, by virtue of the ravishing hideous disease of Alzheimer’s had forgotten we were coming although we had just called to remind them the day before and the morning of Thanksgiving. I took my son down to Kroger’s after we cancelled our dinner reservations and we bought some supplies to make for our Thanksgiving and cooked it there and ate together with my parents for the last time in their house and the only house I ever knew until I left home. I knew that day it was likely the last time we would celebrate Thanksgiving together and in that house. A few days later my parent’s time in the house ended and their remaining days were spent living in a nursing home. Mom died just a couple months later- her long battle with the disease that had taken her dignity and her mind was over.

Thanksgiving 2006 was spent at the house of mother-in-law but also with my father. A group of us had driven over to the nursing home and lifted his weak deteriorating body from the wheelchair into my car and transported him to my mother-in- law’s house so he would not be alone that day and could celebrate Thanksgiving with his family. It would be his last one as death took him from me that spring. However, I remember how happy he was that day. It may have been one of last few happy days in his life for just about two weeks after Thanksgiving of 2006, my brother was killed in an accident and I had to go to the nursing home and tell him and rip this poor aging man’s heart out – he was never the same afterward and I was soon to morn his loss with that of my mother and brother.

In November of 2007, I was celebrating what would be my last Thanksgiving with my family. Again, it would be at my mother-in law’s place and I knew myself it was likely going to be my last one with them. I had already begun transition and my ex-wife and I had drifted so far apart we were walking around in fog of mistrust and uneasiness that would lead the next spring to our demise together and the closing off of all contact with my children I love and miss so dearly. I had a feeling of an omen that day that I could not shake and it even put a damper on the day. Flashbacks to the two Thanksgivings before only added to my sadness. So much had changed since the last “normal Thanksgiving I could recall in 2004.

Last year, Paula and I were fortunate to celebrate Thanksgiving with my last surviving members of my family outside of my children who had cut off all contact with me when we traveled to Pennsylvania to spend Thanksgiving with my sister-in-law and nephew and niece. The visit also coincided with my appointment with my surgeon who the next spring would finally alter my body to reflect my true spirit and essence of who I was and end the inner conflict that had had been with me for so many troubled years since my youth. It was also my first Thanksgiving with Paula and we also visited our friend who had just had surgery that week. It was a pleasant experience but I still sensed some uneasiness. Over the last year it seems that my relationship with them has deteriorated. This saddens me further and makes the memory of 2008 Thanksgiving almost seem like a last gathering of the Alexander’s.

Now we approach Thanksgiving 2009 and it seems that I am not the only one sort of feeling, for lack of better words, out of whack about this event. Paula is having some issues I can tell and it stems for the fact she spent her Thanksgiving with her family celebrating with her family- her mother and father, her two children and her pride and joy – her two grandchildren. Her parent have rejected her and cast her out as have her children and with that goes her contact with her the grandchildren she loves so dearly. I know all this bothers her deeply. Just the other week she took down the pictures of her family we had up in our townhouse and packed them- they only serve to remind her of people she cannot see and those who had rejected her and cast her out of their lives for being who she is as a person. I still have my pictures of my children up despite the fact they do not acknowledge my existence. The pictures may be all I will ever have to remind me of them in my life.

So it is with great trepidation Paula and I will spend Thanksgiving 2009 together. We plan to celebrate it with friends of ours from our community who have also seen pain and disconnection with their families and some other people I don’t even know that well and some not at all! Please don’t get me wrong- we love our friends very dearly but with what has gone on since 2004 and the loss of contact with my children, Thanksgiving fills me with a sense of sadness I cannot stand to even have on a such a wonderful day I have fond memories of- even as a child. I still can smell the pumpkin and apple pies baking in my mother’s kitchen and the deliciously tantalizing smell of the turkey and all the fixings emanating from the oven through the house that w would be filled soon with my brother, my grandparents and even an Aunt or two. I love watching the parade and dining on my mother’s incredible culinary delights and even relished the fact that the next day we would have leftovers as we began to prepare the house for Christmas that would not be far behind.

I also know that Thanksgiving is day of thanks for the gifts and blessing we have been bestowed. I am so very grateful for all our friends we love so much and who have deeply enriched our lives. Thank you for being part of lives and sharing your love. I will give thanks for them and I will also give thanks for my life with Paula and for the fact that we survived all of our surgeries this year. These are all truly wonderful gifts we have been bestowed and for which I am so very grateful. I cannot, however dwell that day on all that I have lost as well in the past five years. I cannot help but think upon the fact I no longer celebrate this day with my mother or father, brother or even my children or any others in my family. I will celebrate it with my partner Paula who I love so much and with a few friends who I have me part of their loving family through the threads of a shared anguish and discard from their loved ones and I will be thankful we have a place to go on this Thanksgiving- even if it is a church hall. However, if you see me close my eyes for a few moments don’t disturb me – for brief few moments I plan to slip away into another time period in my past and smell the aromas emanating from my mother’s kitchen and hear the sounds of my family gathering on this day. I will also give thanks for the memories I still cherish.

Best wishes for Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Pictured above is me in 1965 at my mother's house for Thanksgiving (I really wish however the picture had been of me in a nice pretty dress and a pair of Maryjanes instead of the dress pants and tie!!)

Stream Of Consciousness II

2009-11-04T16:57:00.000-08:00

I have been remiss in writing my blogs lately primarily because I have been busy with getting myself settled in my new career of teaching which, by the way, is going pretty well. That has not however stopped my mind from accumulating thoughts and ideas to write about. So many thoughts have come to me over the last few weeks I decided to revisit an idea I did about two years ago when I wrote a blog entitled Stream of Consciousness. This blog was a bunch of mini blogs all in one on many different subjects, most of which are not even connected. So here goes……stream of consciousness two…….

I have never understood the opposition to legalized gambling on religious grounds or moral reasons and I have always supported such endeavors. I don’t care if Ohio only gets $25,000 in new revenue from all this (they will however, get a whole lot more!) it’s $25,000 more than they would have had if they did not have it. If it creates only 500 new jobs (and it will create far more) then so bit – it’s five hundred more than we had. From a pure financial and economic perspective it makes sense. The opposition on these grounds was weak at best and mostly just a belief Ohio should have done it differently or gotten a better deal (and maybe they should have) but the real opposition in this matter was on moral and religious grounds as it always is in these cases. I am having difficulty remembering where it is in the New Testament of Bible that gambling was held up to be a great evil! Yes if one gets out of control with anything such as drinking or gambling issues can arise but for the most people it is just another form of entertainment like dining out, going to baseball game or the movies or a Broadway performance. That is all I have ever viewed it as in society. If someone is opposed to doing it on some religious grounds then don’t do it. No one is holding a gun to your head to go or not go to the casinos. It’s part of free choice in society which I am a big believer in by the way. Like my father use to say, if you don’t like what is on T.V. change the channel- no one is making you watch that station.

Same- sex marriages and same sex unions are again in the news as Maine becomes the 31^st state (OUT of 31!) to reject it. Lead by our “morally justified” friends from Salt Lake Utah who have spent millions in California and Maine and most likely soon other places like Iowa to defeat the unions of two people who love each other in a committed relationship on the basis that both happen to have the same genitalia, the religious right (which by the way is NEITHER!) prances triumphantly in defense of its worn out religious dogma! The only references (and they are obscure at best on the subject comes from the Old Testament and the New Testament (upon which the entire premise of Christianity was founded in the first place!) make no mention of it. My thinking is simple this – if Jesus, as the founder of Christianity, thought that this was such a big moral issue I am sure he would have mentioned it in at least ONE of his teachings- YET he did not do so. And yet- it is these very Christians who oppose the loving union of two people who are of the same gender. The irony of this does not escape me and I know many Christians who do not feel this way but as long as the Baptists and Mormons and Catholics keep spouting their hate rhetoric on this issue change cannot take place. The fact of the matter is this; our society is not ready for same gender unions not matter how we label them. Before we can prevail on this issue more education and enlightenment needs to place in this country. One can start by seeing if they can get it through the right wing’s thick skulls that being gay, or lesbian or bi or transgendered is NOT a “choice” or a “lifestyle” it is simply who we are as people and have been since our early time on this planet. As a closing thought I sincerely belief this issue is one which will be ultimately won in federal courts and not the ballot box. Issues such as full faith and credit, equal protection and a judge like the one in California which says “OK opponents show me the evidence that demonstrates that same sex unions somehow destroy the validity and sanctity of your heterosexual union”…..plain and simple- it cannot be demonstrated and those in the right wing know this!

I will find it quite interesting in my life if I am somehow able to live long enough to witness the election of a President of this country from the Generation Y. We have seen the Presidents of the Great Society and skipped those of the Silent Generation because many perceived them as not being leaders like those of the Great generation. My generation (the Baby Boomers) is one that produced many great leaders in society and several Presidents. Today we have in office a member of Generation X holding down the Presidency. So I guess it is plausible someday I will see a member Generation Y (around 1982-1999) become President and it will be interesting indeed. Having been involved with teaching mostly those of this generation for a few months now I wonder how any of them can stay focused on anything for more than thirty minutes. They say it is because of the technology and gadgets they have to use and have experienced since they were small that their attention span is much more limited (and people of my time thought it was bad we watched the Idiot Box). These short attention spans will be entertaining indeed to observe as in the Presidency. I just hope state department meetings and negotiations with high level diplomats can be limited to less than 20-30 minutes …..Better yet let’s see if we can arrange a texting session with the leader of hostile third world nations. I just hope the leader is fluent in “Texting” so as to not lead to great misunderstandings!

While I poke some fun at those of the Gen-Y generation, I am happy to be teaching them. I really enjoy teaching. My reviews have been good and I like interacting with the young people. Teaching really is just that – interacting and exchanging thoughts and ideas. This process has given me great joy and a second or is it third career. I guess they liked my work as my course load more than doubled for the winter quarter and that is fine with me. One of the new classes I will be teaching is Ethics and there is a whole Chapter in the course devoted to LGBT issues (Guest Speaker anyone?). Hmmmm…how ironic is this….a teacher who is both L and T and good friends with many G and B’s, and in a same sex union herself discussing the ethical dilemmas and issues pertaining to LGBT including same sex unions. Ought to be some good discussion and questions in this one…..so long as I keep them to less than 20-30 minutes I suppose!!

It's Simply About Love

2009-10-16T08:53:00.000-07:00

Weddings are beautiful and special events in a person’s life. Despite the rise in divorces over the years, for the vast number of people, the event is usually a once in a lifetime thing- a truly special day in one’s life of celebrating your love for another person. In the world of gay and lesbian marriages, we face the complications and struggles with a society that does not allow this union to be legal in most places. This is based on the opposition of religious extremists who continue to interject their interpretation of ancient texts which were written in a different time and translated into so many different languages over time, we have truly no idea what is applicable today and based on some belief that if two woman or two men who love each other marry that somehow their marriage of love is degraded by the act of the two men or two woman joining in a union.
I find it most interesting that the overturning of Prop 8 in California has now entered the federal courts where the federal judge is requesting the state to demonstrate that gay marriages somehow destroy straight marriages which we know can never be shown. Falling out of love, failing to communicate or other similar reasons can generally explain why many marriages fail and that has nothing to do with the gender of either party or the fact the neighbors down the street might be two men or two women who have chosen to unite in love and commitment. I know that my first marriage failed for many reasons but none of them had to do with what others were doing or who else was getting married somewhere else. To even think such defies all logic and reason although I have always suspected the religious right who opposes same sex unions do not use reason and logic but instead rely on religious indoctrination to replace such thinking. Someday society will get it and marriage will be a union of two people who because of their love and commitment to each other and willingness to support and comfort each other and share happiness and sadness together regardless of the gender of those two people or even what it legally use to be for those of us who are transgendered.
However, transgendered people who make a decision to remarry (even if it not yet legal and we call it a “commitment ceremony”) sometimes experience different feelings or issues because if being transgendered. When I got married in 1984, I was young and full of myself and in full blown denial of my true essence. I believed I could live life as a male and marry the girl I loved and raise a family and do all the things a traditional male is suppose to do and that by doing all these things I could make all this go away in my life. It did not work and I should have known this and I accept the blame for the union’s ultimate demise. When I stood there that day in that church in 1984 wearing a tuxedo and pretending to be someone I was not I was only fooling myself and everyone else and setting myself up for the failure that was to come. This failure would cause so much hurt and pain! The whole ceremony I kept thinking that I should have been the one in the gowns and flowers and all made up so wonderfully feminine. Instead I felt like the experience was surreal and I was again perpetrating my lie on all who attended by pretending to be this other person I was not.
This past week I married again. This time it was to someone who I loved who in turn loved me for who I truly am and have always been in life and who I love and accept as who she truly is in life. I married my partner Paula who I love dearly a service that we created and married as two transgendered people and two women despite society’s condemnation of the event. The event was a beautiful one for both Paula and I. First of all we could finally express publically what we felt for each other in our committed relationship and our live together. Secondly, the people who came to the event were not friends of my parents or hers or even those considered our relatives but instead were our “family” as we know it- those who love us for being who we are- Melissa and Paula. This time we would wear the dresses we always wanted to wear for such an event and spend the morning getting hair styled and makeup done with our wedding party. This time both of us walked down the aisle to the music we selected and played so beautifully by our friends. This time we heard music performed by gifted voices of our friends and our wedding party was composed of friends from all walks of the LGBT and straight ally communities we embrace so much. This time Paula and I carried the bouquet of flowers and the vows we spoke to each other were composed by us and not those prepared in some text. This time we could stand before our family of friends who love us and accept us for who we are and declare our love for each other as Paula and Melissa.
I know when we made the toast at the reception we did so from our heart and expressed how we felt in having our “family” present with us to share this beautiful day of love and commitment. I was so happy to see all the beautiful faces of loving people smiling back I nearly cried. This is how I always envisioned my wedding would be……a celebration of love between two people who love each other and accept and support each other for being who we are as people. This time there were no thoughts of perpetrating a lie and hiding my true self to make everyone else happy or to fit in and repress my true self. This time Paula and I could wear the dresses and hold the bouquets and dance and celebrate with our friends being our true selves!
The only thing that was the same between my previous marriage and the marriage to Paula last weekend was the love I had for the person I was marrying. Unfortunately, the previous one was based on a deception I created that I was somebody who I was not to make others in society more comfortable and to try and fool myself. It was doomed to fail because of such deception and lies but that is my own doing. Last week I married my best friend, my partner and my love who I know and accept and embrace as Paula and she married her best friend, partner and love who she knows and embraces as Melissa. We did so in the manner we wanted among our family of friends who love and accept us for who we are as people and who helped us celebrate our love and commitment. It is too bad that it could not be done “legally”. Maybe someday it will be and those of us in the LGBT community can finally be able to “legally consummate” our love and commitments to our partners in a society that will realize that by permitting two people to marry each other who love each other and are committed to each other regardless of their gender or what it legally use to be does not diminish or in any way take away from their love and commitment to each other. Regardless, Paula and I will always have October 10, 2009 as a special day in our lives together. I wish everyone peace and happiness in their lives and that find someone who to love who loves them and accepts them for who they are as people and that someday we all can finally legally celebrate such commitments and love in a society that embraces such for all people!.

Pictured above is our Honeymoon Cabin in the Smokie Mountains in Tenn.

SCC through my Years

2009-10-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

In 2006, things were a lot different for me, and so was my experience at the annual gathering in Atlanta know as Southern Comfort Conference (SCC). During that time, I was still very much part time and exploring my feelings and trying to make sense of all that was going on in my emergence as my true self-Melissa. I still believed any solution to my dilemma was not possible or likely and I used the brief times I could express my real self at conferences and weekend trips as simply that- a time to be myself and meet others at these events like me and get to know my community as they say. In 2007, I again attended SCC but by this time I had already decided I had to transition to live my live as Melissa and I had already begun counseling and in a holding pattern because of my children nearly finishing school. I really enjoyed SCC that year because I was a bit more active in doing things and meeting people than I had been the year before although I had grown in confidence and understanding of what was going on inside me and the direction I was headed. I spent more time at the conference attending all sorts of the workshops on the issues I was going to be initially dealing with such as coming out to family and friends, electrolysis and laser and hormone replacement therapy (HRT). The conference really aided in much of this development on these issues.

By the time the SCC 2008 had rolled around, I was now living fulltime with my new legal name and separated from my family and living life with Paula as she travelled to SCC with me. I renewed old acquaintances with friends in my community- some who I only get to see once a year. I watched the sadness in some of the part timers who left the conference going back to a world they lived in but were not really all that happy in while I was living life fulltime and deep in the throngs of transition. Since HRT and electro and such were already well under way, the seminars I attended then focused on those to come – meeting and hearing from presenters who perform the Facial Feminization and gender confirmation surgery or GRS. I left SCC with the selection of Dr. Spiegel to perform my FFS and I had narrowed my choices to two to perform the GRS and a couple months later, I selected and booked the procedures with Dr. McGinn. SCC 2008 was fun filled but educational process for me and for Paula as well.

Last weekend I returned from the fourth such conference- the 2009 SCC. This year I had concluded all of my physical transitional process and was living- the 2009 SCC. This year I had concluded all of my physical transitional process and was living pretty well as Melissa other than the absence of my children who I love dearly. The workshops I attended were focused on post transitional issues such as relationships, finding balance, career development and one really cool one on Post-op organisms! This year, I myself was a presenter of a workshop which I thoroughly enjoyed giving and which was nicely attended and filled with many questions. However, the experience at SCC was more surreal in that I gleaned the best experiences from my interaction with several people and not from the workshops or events and social activities.

On the night of my arrival, I had a very lovely chat with a genetic woman in the lounge of the hotel over dinner and a couple drinks. She paid me a high compliment in her mistaken conceptualization of me as a genetic woman but I quickly set her straight. She and I talked about many things and she was curious as a business traveler in town for the evening as to learn about SCC and my life as a transgendered woman. She asked if I minded answering some personal questions which I did happily for her and she learned about all my surgeries in great detail and we even shared one in both of us had done the breast augmentation. I told her about my journey and life now with my partner Paula and she so enjoyed talking with me on parting she gave me a big hug and wished me well in my life. It was a great start to SCC and it did not involve a participant to the conference. I also spent a good deal of time with my friends Ally and Erica – both of whom have decided to book the GRS procedures with Dr. McGinn. (Ally came to first SCC in 2008 and it was her first time out ever) I even spent a day with Keri- the girl who had her surgery the day after Paula and who through that process I met in New Hope this summer. (Keri attended SCC in 2007 and that also was her first time out in public) The other part of time was hanging with Kate Lynn and Lindsey who I first met during the time of my surgeries back in May. I also had an opportunity to chat again with Chloe about some things happening in her life after the show on ABC Primetime.

I got the chance to chat with a nice transgendered couple from California who shared their life and love together with me and also in discussion of the material covered in the post-op orgasm workshop. A real highlight for me was finally getting to meet an old classmate of mine from law school at WVU who I had not seen in twenty- four years. Dorothy and I connected on Facebook and we had planned the meeting ever since I found out I would be going to present at the conference this year. It was such a pleasure meeting her and her husband and daughter who practices law with her. We went out to eat and had some drinks and she got to meet many of my sisters in the community. I really enjoyed seeing her again and I think she enjoyed seeing and meeting the real me and not the tightly wound soul she knew so long ago. She told me I looked happier than she ever remembered me. I truly enjoyed this delightful experience!

The last day of conference was Sunday which was a travel day and since I had a late flight to the airport I made the poor decision to take the MARTA to the airport and for the first time traveling as a woman and transwoman I was a frightened by the experience of a drunk homeless man who had decided to harass me and insult me and in all honesty made me feel very vulnerable to harassment and physical assault. I could not wait for the subway stop at the airport and he proceeded to follow me to the elevators again shouting at me and embarrassing me and trying to ridicule me – based on his misperceptions of me and his staggering drunkenness! Needless to say I was glad to reach the confines of the airport and it taught me a valuable lesson about traveling as a woman and transwoman for which I have added to my education from SCC. However, it is interesting to note that the best experiences, and one that was the worst- but which provided me an opportunity to learn from, I had in Atlanta at SCC this year had little, if anything, to do with the conference itself which is so vastly different from the years before! The activities of the days this year at SCC left me with a disconnected feeling and a sense of reflection of how far I had come from my early days with SCC a few years back. Education takes on many untraditional forms these days for sure. I have grown and I continue to do so as a person. The question is whether, other than seeing some old friends in my community, will SCC continue to provide me with these learning experiences? Let’s put it this way- SCC 2010 may be first one I miss and I know this- if I do go- I am not taking MARTA!

The "L" Word

2009-09-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

Shooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhh……….…….Say the letter softly when you are transgendered woman- even if the letter applies to you. You know what letter I am talking about ……………….the infamous “L” word. For you see, I am a part of that community as well even if the other genetic born members of the community don’t always see it that way. Too often when those of us in the transgendered community speak to people about who we are and our life we get many questions focused not on our gender identity issues but wrapped up in our sexuality. Most of us try to explain that one’s gender identity and one’s sexuality are separate and distinct subjects and the mere fact that one is transgendered does not define whether they will be straight, bi, gay or part of the “L” community. Gender identity is just that – how one self identifies themselves as to their gender even if vastly different than the physical parts provided at birth based on the inner soul and essence of being. I always identified as female. I transitioned my outer appearance and body through, presentation, hormones, laser, electro and three surgical procedures to get it to fit my inner self and present myself as the woman I always knew I was in my heart, soul and mind. Sexual orientation is a separate entity based on who I am attracted to as woman.

So as a woman in my heart, soul and mind and now my body to match it, my attraction sexually has been to other women. Even when I lived the other life inside the shell I always imaged myself as a woman making love and intimate with other woman. To me, nothing can come close to the touch, passion and intimacy that is experienced in being with another woman- even if I am one myself. However, that makes me part of the “L” word. I am now involved in a loving beautiful and committed relationship with my partner Paula who like me is also woman and a transwoman. She always felt inside her misfit body that she was a woman in heart mind and soul and she has spent her time transitioning her body to fit this essence as well much in the same manner as I did over the years. When we met and began our friendship which blossomed over a year or so into a wonderful romance we always saw the other for whom we really were and the shells as merely work in progress. Our love for each other blossomed and grew and we helped each other through the last parts of the physical transitional process. We are committed to each other and although we have our disagreements from time to time like any couple does we work through them as two women who care and love each other. Next month we will celebrate our love in a union/ commitment ceremony at our church with our wonderful friends. Two women in love with each other and wanting to be together as partners in this life together makes us part of the “L” community as it should be.

However, both of us have encountered some “less than understanding” members of the “L” word who have looked down upon us and even a few that have been outright hostile to us and clearly do not see us as members of the “L” community- although I am not always sure where they see us as being. We have developed many friends who are part of the “L” community and many of whom are helping us celebrate our wedding and many of whom I could not imagine my life without them being a part of it. I know many who were curious about Paula and I and our life as transgendered woman and our love for each other as women. We always have been open with anyone who asks about it. We have shared our stories, our transition and our surgeries with many in the “L” as we believe that only by sharing and discussing it with others can growth and understanding take place. We have also shared with many of our sisters our love for each other and at least in our assessment our feelings about being part of the “L’ word.

I am sure that many in the “L” scene long ago believed that you are “born woman” and being part of the “L” community meant that you must be a genetic born woman which left many of us in the transgendered community scratching our head sometimes. As we see it, we were “born woman” but somebody put the wrong body parts on us as if playing a sick and cruel joke on us which we struggle with, deal with and finally come to grips with in our transitions to adjust this mix up at the beginning. Many in the “L” community have long since left that old way of thinking anyway and have themselves grown and many are our friends today who have enriched our lives so very deeply!

However, there are some old school thinkers still among the “L” scene. The Ohio “L” Festival welcomes all womym including those who are transgendered. So does the Women’s Music Festival (Wimfest) and we find that so refreshing and enlightened. In contrast in Michigan for example, at the woman’s music festival, transgendered woman are not welcome at all. Right here in Columbus there is a group known as the Lavender Sisters which even ironically meets at our church each month which is a group in the “L” community which does not accept those of us unfortunate enough to be born with the wrong body parts despite the inner essence of who we are as woman. With these groups and other hardliners in the “L” word it is as if judgment is to be made on genetics or physical things instead of the soul and spirit and heart of the person. Should we judge someone with a birth defect on their body as not being worthwhile and look past their soul, their spirit and value as a being because of this? Of course not, but we sometimes do and it does not make it right.

This weekend Paula and I will venture to the Ohio festival where we will be exhibiting on behalf of TransOhio and conducting workshop about our lives, our transitions and our love for each other as two women and the belief in our view at least that we are part of the “L” community. We will welcome and address any and all questions as part of a dialog and exchange that we hope will further help those sisters in the “L” community understand more about transgendered women and our lives together as two women who love each other and explaining why we believe that we are part of the “L” word and hoping that our presence and sharing may open the hearts and minds of a few of our sisters about us and our presence in this “L” community. We look forward to being at the festival and meeting our sisters and experiencing a festival that celebrates womanhood!

Thanks to all our wonderful friends who have grown with us in this belief and thanks to those who have asked and shared and accepted us as part of the “L” community” and to those of you who have not yet done so, we ask that you keep the possibility open and engage us in discussion about it and hopefully with an open mind. Maybe sometime down the road we can work some things out and reach a meeting of the minds. In the meantime, Paula and I will enjoy being part of the “L” word ……. But we will just keep “L” hushed for now.

Teacher, Teacher

2009-09-09T13:12:00.000-07:00

You remember those days when you would walk into the classroom of your first day of class back in school- whether it was high school or college and got your first look sometimes at the person who would be teaching the course that semester. You sometimes wondered who that teacher was and what brought them there to teach you (why in the world would anyone want to teach) but mostly you wondered what kind of teacher they were going to be – interesting, hard, demanding, easy- going? Were they friendly? How much could you get away with in their class? Most of time, however, you never wondered who they use to be. It is a different when you are the one standing behind the podium as the instructor responsible for the teaching process and you are actually wondering in your mind whether any of the students are actually wondering who use to be –at least on the outside by appearance.

Today was a huge day for me to stand in that classroom and present myself to a bunch of young people from Generation Y who think and learn so vastly different and may be missing just a tad bit of the respect factor those of us who were educated as Baby Boomers or early Gen-xers. Today I had to stand in front of a bunch young people who question and challenging everything and wonder if that certain question might come sometime during the class. I love to teach and it is not the first time I have done so. I taught many seminars in my days of practicing law on various topics and I have actually stood behind that podium before for seven years as an Adjunct Faculty teaching. If the students will open their minds and participate and be willing to learn I feel I can offer much to them and maybe help them grow or even spark some drive in them. I can learn a lot from teaching as well as I truly believe interacting with younger people helps keep you young yourself and you too can learn much from them – especially if it involves technology. Most of these students have grown up all their life with technology from time they toddled into preschool. It’s almost scary how much the world has been turned upside down by technology in the last 15-20 years and the young people of the newest generations have absorbed every bit of it. Heck I was happy with touch tone phones and color TVs. Today my “cell phone” has more “apps” on it than I have shoes and I am not entirely convinced that somewhere in the device are not the launch codes for our country’s defenses or the secrets to the mystery of human civilization.

I was interviewed twice for the position and had to do a practice teach and evidently the faculty were impressed with the same and they offered me the position. However, on no fewer than four documents did I have to “out” myself to my new employer during the employment paperwork process. Transgendered people always love those questions that ask “Have you been known by any other name? “ Let’s see…hmmmm….and gees it does not exactly fit my present presentation or any of my legal documents today. But I will give them credit, they hired me anyway. Maybe they see a talent in me that has only seen a glimpse of light here and there over the years but maybe shines a bit more radiantly now that that dreary old shell has been torn away to reveal the real me.

The question of the day however, is whether the students see that light or whether they care that that old shell was once there. Even more frightening is whether I can keep their interest in world where their learning is fragmented and pans way beyond mere lectures. I have sought to invoke technology in my lesson plans in research projects and various A/V aides including power point and such. I also plan to segment the class into different activities such as class discussion and groups and guest speakers and even in-class simulations. I will put my all into this process and hopefully my love of teaching will show and carry the day against the rumblings of questions that may fill their minds about who this teacher is and more importantly who she use to be at least in outward presentation.

Today I stood before this group of young people as my true self without barriers and tried to stimulate them to enjoy and be active in politics and governments. I even had one student already tell me she had failed the class twice and would need my help to pass it. I told I would do so and I plan to keep my word and help anyone who is willing to try so she can succeed in her endeavors. That is what teachers do and I intend to be that type of teacher. I can learn a lot form young people just as they can learn from me and maybe we both will grow. I smiled the whole time I was at the podium and cracked a few jokes and tried to get them excited about the subject. I really did enjoy the experience and feel if given the opportunities I can be successful. Teaching can be stressful and troubling at times but it can be rewarding. I remember when I taught before and it was a good thing when a student came up and said that the class was challenging but interesting or years later if one came up to me and told me that learned a lot in my class and it helped them in their career. The pay is not great in teaching and should be better but that is a whole another blog in itself but money is not everything and there are rewards way beyond monetary ones in the teaching profession.

All I ask is that the school and students give Melissa a chance and do not make judgments about me simply because my spirit once contained itself trapped in another vessel and who I use to be physically. Time will tell and if the paperwork does not bury me alive I may just have found something I enjoy doing with my life and honestly may be pretty good at doing. Well it is time to go prepare some lesson plans and assignments and fill out paperwork. Time will indeed tell for this teacher and whether I will be successful and given that chance and I have already begun preparing myself for the role if it does ……oh teacher… “is that material going to be on the test?” Hmmmm…….I just went over that three times and told you to remember this point and it was in my power point and my handouts and highlighted in the book…..what do you think??

Love and the Wedding Planner

2009-08-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

It is something that a few years ago I would never have convinced myself that I would be doing for something that I am personally involved in that is for sure. I have training and education in meeting and event planning which did include wedding planning but in my previous experience of running my meeting and event planning company I can honestly say I did not have any clients requesting wedding planning services and my areas of work focused on conventions and conferences, exhibitions, meetings and business development functions. It’s not that I would not have enjoyed doing wedding planning it’s just that I was never asked to do so and probably for some very stereotypical reasons which really weren’t applicable anyway!

However, ever since Paula and I decided that we would do a commitment ceremony/ union to consummate our love publicly among our wonderful friends I have been engaged full throttle in the wedding planning process. Although we cannot by current law in the state of Ohio which has a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage legally marry each other and receive the same legal benefits as any other wedded couple, we felt that the ceremony is something we wanted to do for ourselves because of our love and commitment to each other and part of building our lives together as Paula and Melissa. I know that we treat it like a marriage and while we struggle in many ways that legally married couples do and we face many of the challenges of the same, we also face a few more being in a same gender relationship and then again having undergone a physical and legal changes in the latter to bring it in line with the essence of who we always were on the inside of us! There are many who questioned why we even bother doing this since it is not legal but we always figured that if it ever became legal here we could do a simple “legal” ceremony to afford ourselves the legal benefits of marriage but for us the marriage and commitment and union of two people, among those who love us and accept us for who we are as people, is an act which exceeds the legalities of the process and tells the community a simple concept…if you find someone who loves and accepts you for who you are as a person and who you want to share life with together you should do so despite the vessel that person is contained in or even if that vessel changes to reflect the soul of who you truly as a person. So with that said, the wedding planning commenced and it has truly been an eye opener for us that is for sure. The first thing we had to decide is where to do it and who would be in it. The “where” was easy in that our church is founded upon love and acceptance and is very open and affirming. Our minister embraced this proposal with open heart and mind and he was very excited about it. The persons to be in this wedding were a bit more difficult to decide since we have so many wonderful loving friends who love us and who we care about. We also wanted it to reflect the diversity of this union ceremony as well. We feel we accomplished that and are so happy that our friends can be there to celebrate our special day with us!

Once we had the date and church following meetings with our minister and the wedding party in place, the fun got started. First we had to decide on a location for the reception and that came fairly easy with the selection of a venue across the street from our church that had the date available. One truly can spend a small fortune, which neither of us has, on putting together a wedding reception. We tried to provide a nice atmosphere and some good food so people could enjoy themselves and have some fun celebrating with us. Unfortunately an open bar would have been nice but to pull that off the food and music would have to be cancelled or Paula and I would have to rob a bank to pull that one off. I sought DJs to provide the music for the evening and upon selecting one you receive forms to complete for announcing the wedding party and special songs you want played at certain times. We have been compiling the list of music but the first thing I had to correct on the form was the fact we have no groom but two brides. White out I found works well in this case.
Paula and I spent a few days searching for dresses for our attendants to wear and we needed to find a store that had branches all over the region since we have girls from four different states. The Color is a stunning beautiful Verizon blue. Some of the girls doodled a bit in getting their gowns ordered and we may be do some alterations on them as they walk down the aisle but it will all work out. Next came the fun for Paula and I in the search for our wedding dresses. The elderly lady with the glasses at the counter of the bridal boutique got a bit of a shock when I stepped to the counter to register and she asked for the name of the groom to which I replied “there isn’t one” and just then my partner Paula stepped up to the counter and I stated “and this is the other bride”. The look on her face was truly priceless! The little gal who took care of showing and fitting us in gowns was a bit flustered but a very good sport as well. Her primary concern was that she had never taken care of two ladies at the same time for bridal fittings. Paula and I loved every minute of it and each of us selected our separate gowns- each different in style, material type and design but both white of course! (Ahem….No questions needed). We are bringing our entourage with us for the final fittings which should make the elderly lady at the counter loose her glasses for sure.

I have found two professions in this process which I should have explored for sure which have to be making some small fortunes. The first is florists and the other is wedding cake designers. I had no idea what these skilled artisans can charge for their services but we almost had to cancel the food and hire an organ grinder for the music at the reception to compensate these entities. The cake is gorgeous and colorful and I actually had fun designing it with baker. I truly did not know that twenty something flavors could be available to someone creating cake. The list of fillings was even longer! The flowers cost even more although we do have two bridal bouquets and our selection of two flower girls and a ring bearer from the Warren-Bednar clan added a few more but the flowers we selected are so beautiful and we incorporated the color scheme of all the gowns and our favor colors of pink and purple!

Other “minute” details included the invitations’ and the writing of our ceremony in its entirety along with music to be performed by wonderfully talented organist and horn player. Several of our truly talented friends with voices of angels have agreed to perform special pieces during the service. Paula and I are indeed so happy that are offering us their special gifts. We even broke down and “registered” as many other couples approaching such an event do although I am still amazed the computer did not implode with the insertion of two brides and no groom into the system. It probably would have if it had found out the two brides once could have registered the other way in another part of their life although just by outward appearance. The real fun of the planning has been the selection and booking of our honeymoon following our wonderful ceremony and a reception of fun, friends and food and drink! Paula and I have enjoyed putting this all together although sometimes we question our sanity in doing so. However, I am sure on our special day it will all be worth it in the joy on our faces and in the hearts of our friends who love us for being who we are and supporting our love for each other!

The Distancing

2009-08-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

The act of distancing one’s self from others, a particular person or an idea is a common practice of politicians. Give a politician a way for him or her to place themselves at a point of distance from a controversial issue such as health care reform and they will be running to that point as fast as you can say “I’m up for re-election next year!” Unfortunately, the art of distancing is something transgendered people incur all the time and not merely after one comes out and begins transitioning but sometimes even months or years afterward. The only problem is that this form of distancing involves separating human contact from the transgendered person from those that initially accepted you for who you are and have always really been in life. It generally involves those again you thought were friends or family who did not reject you outright when the “you- know- what” hit the fan with full disclosure. However, in time these individuals become increasingly more distant and begin to pull away from you even considering their initial acceptance and apparent willingness to try to stay connected with you in life.

The disappointment of losing contact with such people is no less disheartening to the transgendered individual than if the person had pulled away quickly upon disclosure. However, I guess it does make the person engaging in such distancing tactics feel a little better because they can say they tried but for the transgendered individual effort is very subjective and the hurt caused by the distancing is really know less painful than the initial rejections. Again, the concept is an all too common occurrence. I know Donna Rose discussed it in her book “Wrapped in Blue” from her experience with some people she considered to be friends but who ultimately played the distancing game.

I don’t mean to cut these people down for that is not my point of all this but I don’t think they realized how much they hurt me by what they did and made me feel so unwelcomed. Recently the father of one of my old friends who had tried to stay connected with me after my transition died. I was upset about the death which I found out after all the funeral arrangements had taken place despite many who could have called and let me know. Instead my friends decided that since he had not told his mother and some others about me and there were other friends of his whom use to be “friends” with me in my old life who find me to be a disgusting and disturbing freak that I would not be told about the death until everything was over with for fear I might come and hug my friend and comfort him in his loss. I understand this loss probably better than most from experience in losing both my parents as well as my bother all in 15 short months. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for his loss but I found out that everyone, with his guidance, conspired not to tell me until it was all over so I would not be able to come and pay my respects and comfort my friend. I at first blamed others for this decision and only found out through a one line e-mail from my ex- her first communication with me in four months. I cried for my friend’s loss, I cried because the lack of information from my ex even about our children who I love so much. I cried because I was not welcome to come and pay my respects and comfort my friend. I blamed others and when I found it was my friend who orchestrated it all I cried again when I received his e-mail.

He told me in his letter that he has trouble seeing me and accepting and adapting to me as Melissa instead of the shell of the other person I pretended to be for so long. Of course, this could be helped by more contact between us and yet he and another friend have cancelled two other trips to come and visit and turned down other opportunities to meet as well. He is not the only one to do this for sure. Many other friends who initially showed some support when I first came out have not followed through with any communication or contact with me in a year. They have learned the distancing game well and maybe they too can give themselves a pat on the back for trying initially and maybe they feel that they are a bit better than those that rejected me outright but really ……haven’t we ended up in the same place anyway? The distance grows wider every day and yet the only answer to this gap is communicating and meeting and talking some things out and learning.

Paula and I went to the performances at Wall Street last night at the conclusion of TransOhio’s Transgender and Ally Symposium. One young talented young man by the name of Adam Apple performed a piece choreographed to the music of One Republic’s “Stop and Stare” which told of his life as a young Transman who loves his family but has been rejected by them, who has loss work and been denied jobs because of who he is as a person and who has been beaten and raped and yet is still so full of love and dignity. It was a powerful piece which brought many including myself and Paula to tears but his sign he held towards the end said it all… “I am human”. Human beings need love and understanding and acceptance for being themselves and distancing is not an act which addresses this need of every human being. I have experienced some of his work discrimination and rejection by family and friends but have not even come close to the pain he has endured in his life with the violence and assaults and suicide attempts but I understood his pain and his work on this production touched me. It also deeply affected Paula who admitted to me this morning she is depressed. I know she longs for contact and communication with her old friends and most importantly her family of children and grandkids she cannot see. It brings her such sadness in a heart full of love. Watching the beautiful performance by Adam only drew her more deeply into this great sadness.

We are not ungrateful for the warm and loving friends we have found here in Columbus. We love you all deeply and you kindness has touched us so profoundly! It is also the hope that you give us that maybe someday some of the people who rejected us in our life for being who we are as people and who have played the distancing game so well will understand our anguish and pain and reach out again. Maybe someday they can even be touched by the pain endured by a young man they have never even met named Adam. Maybe someday they will meet our new and wonderful friends we have here and see the beauty and love that exists in our community! I hope the distances between us as human beings grows shorter!

Waste!

2009-08-06T17:46:00.000-07:00

Waste is defined as rubbish, trash, garbage, refuse, junk or other discarded materials by society. Waste is a subjective concept because items that some people discard may have value to others. Human waste is defined as most people as feces which is a nice term for shit. Waste in my scheme of things is the failure of society, through its organizations and entities, to hire or retain transgendered individuals who are out and transitioning or have transitioned merely because of misconceptions and biases which plagued our society. Far too many of my brothers and sisters in the transgendered community, myself included, are treated accordingly by society resulting in one of the highest rates of unemployment or underemployment anywhere in this country. The economy is already in the crapper and unemployment is rampant and when combined with the pervasive and insidious discrimination and prejudices against the transgendered community leaves so many of my brothers and sisters out of work and holding on by threads which get thinner by the day sometimes.

Now I do not mean to contend that my sisters and brothers in the L, G or B communities do not face discrimination in the workplace because they do. However, I think it is also true that many times the L, G or B can be concealed from current or perspective employers who care less and less about what you do after work and who you sleep with each night than they do about things which affect their workplace directly such as a transition of a transgendered person or how hiring transgendered person could be in their mind disruptive to their workforce and that is a major concern of organizations. Let’s face it you can come out as gay or lesbian and not really have to tell your coworkers if you don’t want to and keep the matter private which is your right. Try keeping the fact you are transgendered and transitioning a secret from your employer or its employees. When one is gay or lesbian their physical anatomy and appearance do not change much if at all. However, when one comes out on the workforce as transgendered and goes from being Kathy to being Karl or from being Tom to being Tina it is just a wee bit hard to hide that folks! The employer knows it is looking at time off for surgeries and treatment and headache of questions from other employees – not the least of these is the dreaded “where is so and so going to go to bathroom?”

Additionally, just because one is fully transitioned with all the surgeries and legalities does not make it easier when one is looking for work. I am searching for a new career and have been going to job fairs, applying for positions, sending out resumes and cover letters and filling out job profiles and applications on line. Two of the applications and online profiles ask “whether I have ever gone by another name or had a name change” Hmmmm…let's see….think they may notice that the old name was a male one and vastly different from my true name Melissa? Gees…a six year old can pick that one out- much less a HR person. I am not even to the interview process and here I am outing myself. It’s not the fact I am ashamed of who I am as a person but I know there are many out there who think I should be and I have already laid in their lap a reason not to hire me from the mere profile alone. That my friend is also a bunch of feces!

I meet so many talented transgendered people in my interactions with others through conferences and lobbying efforts or group meetings and the stories I hear are the same. Most of the people I meet are either working part time jobs that do not come near their qualifications. Others work as self- employed individuals struggling to keep their small businesses afloat and many are simply unemployed. It is estimated that unemployment in the “out” transgendered community is running somewhere around 50-60% and even higher. I have met so many out of work but talented computer techs, chefs, teachers, designers, and other professionals I cannot even count them! Many transgendered people I know lost their jobs when they came out and told people who they really were as people. My friend Teri was told that if she transitioned she would be terminated. Another person I know was offered a raise and new position until he came out and transitioned and in six months he went from being highly regarded for promotion as woman but when he transitioned to a man he ended up fired. My friend Debbie was terminated from her franchise dealership for selling log homes when she transitioned because the company felt I guess a transgendered woman could not sell them. Again since transgendered people when they come out and transition cannot hide the fact they are transgendered the ramifications in employment losses and difficulty in finding new work become an all too common scenario. This is such a waste of such talented people all for the reason that society cannot deal with the changing of outward genders even if it is to match the inner one that has been there all the life.

I have heard that the younger members of the transgendered community are a bit tired of all the “drama” of the older transgendered people. Well if I had come out as a teenager and my parents got me on hormones before I left for college and I had studied and earned my degrees in my true gender I would not be as worried about finding work. Transitioning before your mid twenties pretty much ensures you have not built much of a life as the person in the wrong gender. Your college and employment records would only reflect the true identity. Older transgendered people do not have that luxury. We built a life in the wrong gender. Our employment history is riddled with the old life. When potential employers start researching my background they will find another entity besides Melissa Alexander. I know my old law firm will do so because the person who is in charge of such information is a very macho, man’s man ex- military type guy. The number of “he’s” coming forth could not be counted on two hands. God knows what the transcripts from college will look like even though I have notified them and received new degrees from them with my proper name on them. I cannot escape that old life! Again I am not ashamed of w\ho I am- it’s just I am tired of having thrown up against me as I now live the life I was suppose to live all my life. My life is now and in the future but unfortunately it is my past that stands in the way. If one does not have much past because they are very young then they have little which can be used against them in the future.

What bothers me the most in all this is so much wasting of talent that many of my brothers and sisters can offer society if those in the transgendered community are given a chance without the jagged past thrown up in their faces. If employers will look beyond that history and consider that talent when it comes time to hire, promote and not terminate that employment because of the disclosure of the truth as to one’s identity, then the waste of human resources can begin to end and more healing can take place in the transgendered community and maybe a little less drama in this community as well. So many of us have already paid the price when it comes to loss of friends and family and resources which has hurt us emotionally we should be able to keep some dignity in maintaining work, finding new work for our talents and more enjoyment of the new life in the right gender. I know that the passage of the ENDA legislation and enactment of HB 176 in Ohio would go a long way in making this happen. Furthermore, repeal of the intrusive federal acts that violate everyone’s civil liberties and out our past lives would also help in this regard. Some day we may not talk about this absurdly high unemployment rate in our community and we can maybe even talk about the great things transgendered people are doing in society when the waste of talent has ended. Until then, the loss of such talent in society by members our community can only be simply classified as a waste and the pervasive discrimination faced in the same as “human waste!”

Binary Thinking: the aftermath of Chloe Prince and ABC Primetime

2009-07-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

Last week ABC News did a Primetime feature on the life and transition of one of my friends Chloe Prince. I will admit it was pretty cool to see someone I have known fairly well for years in my community on primetime television. I have spent time talking with her wife and with her adorable children. I have sat many times in the house where most of the interviews were filmed. I thought overall it was a good program although I know from talking with Chloe afterward that there were many hours of footage that ended up on the cutting room floor and there were several things which could have been documented because they were done so but not included by ABC in the program. The program showed some of the points and issues raised by Chloe, her wife and even some by her children. The children may have understood what was going on better than most of the adults …… “she has a girl inside her that needs to get out”. Children often are more intelligent than we give them credit for and they see things easier and simpler than many adults do after years of life and all of its indoctrination. I know Chloe plans a blog on this topic and I hope everyone takes the time to view her work as she has a lot to say and is always worth the visit to her blogs! I know Chloe has received some flack as well as praise over the program from those within as well as outside the transgendered community. I know many people have weighed in with comments to her and at various sites hailing her as everything from a super hero to a dark villain.

There are always those they see things in the binary world where there must be a clear winner in any issue just as they always see things as black and white, male and female and are unable to see the world or any issue as having the grey areas which is vast in its nature. However, most people are not comfortable in that world and struggle with such concepts. To them, there must always be one side prevailing on an issue, there can only be one side of any controversy as they see it and any notion of any world in which gender is defined as female or male beyond the anatomical parts one is born with is not acceptable because to them it cannot exist. These are the same people who say that Chloe must be wrong and vilified for what she has done and therefore one must side with her spouse and children.

I understand the needs of her children- they are the same needs all children need- love and support as they make their way in this world. I have children myself and I know many others in my community with children of various ages- some older like me and others younger like Chloe’s. Her children need this love and support from their parents and they get it. So what if the parents now happen to be both women. I know many lesbian couples who have raised their own or adopted children just fine based on giving them love and support. So what is the big deal? I also understand her wife’s positions and feelings- they are pretty much the same as those expressed by my now ex-wife when I came out and transitioned to be who I was called to be as a person. I sympathize with these feelings and I realize the pain and embarrassment transition causes a spouse or loved one.

However, just because I understand the anguish, pain and frustration of the spouse does not mean I or any other person should condemn Chloe or myself or countless other transgendered people for deciding we could no longer live a life of lies and deceptions as to who we are and always have been in this life as people. Until society realizes that these decisions to come out and transition to be the person we have always been inside and make our outer shell fit our inner soul and essence is not a choice but a necessity actions such as those undertaken by Chloe in her life or thousands of us transgendered souls, there will always be condemnation of those of us with the courage to risk it all to come out and tell the world who we really are as people and transition our anatomy to fit that of the person we have always been in life.

Could the story presented on ABC been a better one? Yes of course it could have been. Maybe some things which were deleted should have been aired and maybe it could have been longer to show more depth and broader views and documentation. However, I felt no need after viewing it to chose sides or condemn anyone. I understand the views and needs of all the participants and realize there not always simple answers to complex issues. Likewise, I know the majority of the world cannot see things such way because there must be always these clearly defined concepts of right and wrong, black and white, male and female and everything else that is defined by the binary system that has held our society’s advancement back for generations!

Do I necessarily agree with everything Chloe stated or presented on the program? Again the answer is that I may have done or said things differently. That however does not make either of us right or wrong- just a little different as we all are in this world despite the binary concepts that hold us back in our thinking. I will say I was impressed with the statements made by her father. Could he have been better? Probably so- but I also know how he use to feel and I gave him all the credit in the world for being on the show and speaking his mind and I think his love for Chloe as parent was obvious- just as Chloe’s love was for her children who were fabulous in their presentations for sure. Again, the issues raised in this show, as with many other shows and books which have been produced in our community about transgendered people, are complex and full of lots of grey but most people cannot deal with that because it rocks their rigid binary world.

I understood the views expressed by all the participants of the program and thought they all did a pretty good job. There were no winners and losers and there is no need to take sides or be critical of anyone. I feel sorry for those that do because they continue to be plagued by the same binary thought patterns that define our society and inhibit its progress. I applaud those that did not take any sides but could see all the views and understand the complexities of the issues presented. I do want to say this as someone who knows Chloe and has spent considerable time with her over the years I am proud of you girl! You did good girl as did all the others in the show and I hope the program will serve to facilitate the need for society to get out of its binary thinking and see the complexity of issues and the field of grey that lies in between the absolutes our society thrives on- although to our detriment.

For those of you who have not seen the program you can go to the ABC site and watch the rebroadcast of the show…….hopefully with an open mind and the absence of the binary thinking!

The Sorority

2009-07-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

I finally have the chance to sit down and relax a bit and write my blog this week which is a bit delayed because I have spent the last eight days traveling and helping my partner Paula with her Gender Confirmation Surgery in New Hope Pa which also included a trachea shave. I spent five long days at the hospital (Lower Bucks Hospital) with her attempting to be the wonderful caregiver she was for me a couple months ago that is for sure. Care giving is a special talent and I am not as good with it as Paula is but I worked very hard at being the best I could be. Paula did not come through her procedures as well as I did due to some abdominal and dietary issues and more pain and a bit less strength on her part. However, as I write this blog she appears to be on the slow road to recovery and return to strength and in time a full healing from the dramatic undertaking she has undergone in her efforts to conform her body to her soul and essence!

Just like the week I spent at Lower Bucks Hospital Paula was accompanied by three other girls undergoing the process along with her under the skillful eye and hands of Dr. Christine McGinn. This week, in addition to Paula, was Dana a delightful lady from Maryland who works for Chase Bank, a young and pretty lawyer from the heart of the Bible belt in Keri from Raleigh- Durham NC and finally Renee, a company manager from Connecticut who was the same age as Paula. Dana was supported all week by her mother and sister who are very supportive of her and travelled from Florida to be with her and help her through this delightful but challenging endeavor! Renee had some girlfriends with her on the day of her surgery and she will have others throughout her week of recovery at the hotel. Paula of course has me and some local friends have stopped by too. Kari had her brother for 24 hours to get to the hotel from the hospital but no one for the week of her surgery and no one the week after her surgery. Her family has some issues with what she has done but she comes from a strict religious background and conservative Republican family so it is to be expected. I spent some time talking with each of them through the week and helping them where I could. Kari was alone so I tried to check on her often as was Renee after her surgery day. I got to find out about how their surgeries went and their lives and families as well as their life and journeys as transgendered individuals.

The stories we shared we not uncommon although we all have our own journey in this struggle to find peace as being who we are even if our anatomies needed adjustments to reflect that essence. Many common threads mixed in with a smattering of differences here and there and the range of ages. We all exchanged e-mails and phone numbers and I checked in with each of them each day while attending to Paula’s primary care. Dana had her mother and sister with her who have done quite well in adjusting to having another daughter and new sister. They were quite pleasant people to meet and my primary discussions were with Dana on what was to come in her progress and recovery having been down this road only a few short months ago. I also discussed this with Kari and Renee as well as they were curious as to what was to come and how I progressed after mine. Renee and I had a great discussion on how transgendered people are viewed by Native Americans since she is part Native American. We are revered in their culture and become the elders and respective spiritual leaders in the tribes. Wow- what a radical concept being viewed as something above a third class citizen! Kari and I had an interesting political discussion in as much as she is pretty conservative Republican like any good Baptist from the south and I am of course a liberal. I respected her opinions and defended mine as well as it should be but there was no animosity whatsoever. Kari has no one to get her food, supplies or take her to the doctor’s office for follow up examinations and consults. So I assumed those duties happily. She is my sister and I care about her and all of us in this community.

One of the nurses on the floor, and by the way they were all the same delightful people I had during my stay on the wing affectionately known as the “tranny wing”, asked me one day as I was coming out of Kari’s room after she looked up on her computer something for Dana as I was shuttling it between the two of them “how do you know these other girls? She knew I was there with Paula but did not know what my connection was to Kari, Renee and Dana. My connection to these girls as well as the sisters who visited Paula after supporting me during my process (Terry and Alice) and Kate and Lindsey who came over to visit with Paula is that they are my sisters! Sometimes those that are outside our community do not understand why we connect like we do even though we have no relationship to the other girl. We are connected by a common thread and bond that flows between all of us. We face many of the same challenges and rejections that flow our way from society, work and families as former identified (by outsiders) as “male” due to the wrong parts who transition to live as the women who we are – a concept that still completely blows the average male’s mind! We see another sister who is going through the same emotions, struggles, therapies, surgeries and such as part of our transitional process. Put six or seven of us together in one place and we will generally interact with the others for support and understanding and confirmation of who we are as people. We share our experiences and triumphs and tragedies and we grow from each other as people. Essentially we are one big sorority of sisters who are bound together by the dark and troubled secrets that kept our true selves wrapped tightly in a shell that never fit who we were as people. We are a sorority of support and understanding and love which helps each of us grow and each week or month I meet another girl on her journey and we connect as sisters held together by this bond. It is good to be part of this sorority and we are members of it for life.

Thanks to all our friends and our sisters who have supported Paula in her journey and in your prayers and thoughts and show of love as that is what helped her heal so much in her recovery! Hugs!

The Caregiver

2009-07-08T08:40:00.001-07:00

This week the roles get reversed and it is time for Paula Katherine Prichard to shine! For much of this year my partner and soul mate Paula has adopted a secondary role as a caretaker of yours truly as I underwent facial reconstruction through FFS in January in Boston and breast augmentation and gender confirmation surgery in May in New Hope Pa with Dr. McGinn. Each time she helped me through some very difficult struggles and way too much time in hospitals and hotel beds in recovery. In Boston, I faced the longest night of my life as I lay in that hospital bed wrapped up so tight around my head I thought I was going to mummified all while unable to see and looking like a freight train had run through my upper body. Paula stayed the night in the room and held my hand, rubbed my feet and talked with me trying to keep me distracted from the pain and darkness. She fed me ice chips- one at a time under my tongue as my only source of fluid or food. Paula drove me back to the hotel and attended to me for a week in the hotel, helping me bathe, applying medicines to my wounds and bruises and getting supplies and food when necessary. It all made my recovery so much less difficult. She also provided for me through her unique way she has in lifting my spirits so much. Paula is a wonderful caregiver!
This past May, I laid in a hospital for five days and nights and there was Paula again providing me with great comfort and tenderness, getting me drinks, helping me eat food for the first few days when I could not move my arms or raise my head. On the day I first stood up and my legs shook and wobbled as I rested on the walker and wanting so badly to just fall back into the bed, she again helped me focus on her and ignore all the light headiness and weakness in my lower extremities. For the next two days she helped me walk as I maneuvered around the hall with a walker visiting my sisters who followed me in surgery making sure I did not fall and helping back into my bed. She helped me freshen up each day and held a mirror before me so I could put in my contacts and do my makeup in my prone position. When we got to the hotel Paula helped me walk the halls, sit down and even get on the toilet and cleaned up some messes which resulted from some early issues with the same as well as some bleeding. Again, she also bought the supplies and went after the food and assisted me in so many ways even if it was just a phone call from my hospital room to her when I could not sleep from the drugs.
Paula even helped out some of the other girls who had surgeries that very week when she discovered they were alone. She did not need to do this but her heart led her to do so and the other girls appreciated her kindness and warmth. All of this up-close exposure to us girls struggling through the process even made her question her own strengths to do this great challenge. However, she found the resolve to do and focused on her goals. In order to do her surgery, Paula had to lose forty pounds and she did so in a manner so focused and all while building her strength and endurance through exercise to help her get through it and recover easier. She did so all while being my caregiver through these past months.
Now it is her time to undergo her lifelong dream of having her body finally matching her soul and essence of who she is with her gender conformation surgery and trachea shave at the skilled hands of Dr. Christine McGinn. And now after all this care and comfort she has provided me over the last six months, it is now my turn to be the caretaker for her. I get to be the chauffer and runner for food and supplies. I get to help her stand up and take her first steps after surgery. The night after her surgery I will be the one feeding her ice chips and cool drinks and holding her hands and rubbing her feet. It is my turn to help her dine during her hospital stay and assist her in freshening up and doing her makeup from the prone position. I get to be the one walking with her as she struggles to walk simple hallways for days and help her get to the bathroom and clean up the messes. I look forward to helping her through all this and letting her moment of rebirth shine. I will be the one calling the friends and letting them know all is well with her.
For the next weeks Paula is the girl of the hour and I am the caregiver. I hope I do this role well but I have had a good deal of experience watching and learning from her as she took so very good care of me!. Paula’s heart is so big and she cares so much about people and our love for each other has grown increasingly from day to day and all through our struggles and the emotions and challenges they bring in this process. I have grown as a person through my interaction with her in our relationship and learned more about love and letting my heart show as I evolved from the years of living in the confinement of the shell that seemed to cut off so much feeling.
Next Monday I will be one pacing the floors waiting on word from her surgeon that all has gone well and that she is recovering. I will spread the good news of her rebirth and the beginning of her healing process. I will walk into her patient room that will look all so familiar to me and hold her hand and smile down at her as she did me on the day of my physical rebirth. When this occurs my responsibilities of her caregiver commence in earnest. I look forward to paying back some of all the depth of kindness and care she provided me these past months as we also still dealt with the emotional losses and devastation of our transitions in the past years as well. I will lower my hand to reach hers and hold it so gently to let her know I am here for her and ready to attend to her needs as her caregiver.
I made a slide show as a tribute to her life, our times together and her work as my caregiver and emotional support and friendships she built over the years. It’s your turn to shine now girl and fulfill all that you dreamed of and never thought even possible a few years ago- with me by your side and in your heart as your best friend, your partner in life, your love and for the next few weeks….your caregiver!
Hugs to all our friends who helped so much in our journeys and being a a wonderful part of our lives

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Pride

2009-07-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

June is the traditional month to celebrate Pride in the LGBTQ community across the country. It is a time of celebration of being proud of who we are as people in a society that still reluctantly only somewhat tolerates our presence in it and to reflect back to the time when the infamous Stonewall riots took place in rebellion to the tactics and tyranny imposed by some on the LGBTQ community. I view Pride in this manner but also view it in even larger perspectives as well. Two years ago I proffered a blog entitled “The Pursuit of Happiness and the Puritans” involving an examination of the strife for rights and dignity in the LGBTQ community in the pursuit of our happiness against the backdrop of society and its very powerful puritanical influences which have shaped our society and which run many times contrary to the concepts of happiness, liberty, freedoms and enjoyment of life. These influences which have been around for hundreds of years in this country still impact our society even today. It is a particularly good read if you have not already done so and significantly important in light of the recent conclusion of Pride month and the upcoming Fourth of July holiday weekend.
President Obama began the month with a Pride proclamation which I guess was significant in that I do not recall any other President offering the same. However, it will take more than a proclamation to appease me for sure. He has promised to sign the Hate Crimes bill and ENDA legislation once these important pieces of law reach his desk …….but in the same breath- I do not see him pushing these bills through and lobbying for them as a leader who understands the need for dignity, freedom and opportunities as others in society have because he was denied them in his own life time and that of his ancestors. You can stimulate the economy all you want and I am not saying it is not important to do so and he did inherit a mess in Iraq created by the incompetency and blindness of his predecessor. However, at the same time, ensuring rights and dignity for all human beings and protecting those who have been left unprotected ought really to be the most important idea being worked on for who cares if more jobs appear or health care is expanded if you still can’t get a job because of discrimination and health care requires having that job to pay for it or you are still the subject of violence in your everyday life.
While the wheels of progress on the federal front move slowly, they are I guess moving forward far more than we have seen in recent years under George’s reign of terror. The state of Ohio which is now my home has been struggling as well to move forward HB176 which will end discrimination in housing, employment, lending and public accommodation based on sexual orientation and gender identity. It is not the first time the bill has been proposed and it is awaiting a stalled vote in the House where there is a good chance of it passing but a very hostile Senate controlled by the party opposite the House and Governor’s office is not going to jump up and down in support of this important piece of legislation. The bill faces stiff opposition by the religious extreme right (direct decentdants if I have ever seen it of those Puritans) The Governor has promised to sign the bill IF it gets to his desk but again I do not see him lobbying for this bill and sometimes it is easy to say you will support the legislation of you know that politically it will never reach the desk because of a hostile Senate. How many years will those of us in the LGBTQ community have to wait before this dignity and freedom is bestowed upon us in our pursuit of happiness?
Pride is also a time to examine one’s self and our pride in who we are and what others like us have accomplished. I am a transgendered woman and I look out there for leadership and accomplishments of others like me. It is not that I am unhappy with the gains of my brothers and sisters in the L, G or B communities or the accomplishments of many of my brothers in the transmen community and in fact I admire them deeply! However, I sometimes get the impression that transwomen are picking up the rear in such gains and accomplishments. For example, while I admire Mara in her leadership of NCTE, her remaining staff members are mostly transmen and the first two openly transgendered people to serve as Congressional aides on the Hill are transmen. Yet- I see so many of my sisters having trouble finding work and very few of us if any in organizations that work for transgendered rights and equality in general. I admire so much the work that Equality Ohio does in fighting for rights and dignity yet I do not believe a single staff person there is transgendered much less a transwomen. Let’s not even talk about the HRC which has no transgendered people on staff locally and nationally has no transgendered people on its board and I still remember two years ago when the group sold me and others in our community down the drain on ENDA! Where are the role models for me as a transwoman and where is the involvement of transgendered people in organizations that fight for our rights? Many talented people in the transgendered community do not have their talents recognized and again, as a transwomen, I still am looking for my leaders and role models.
The Columbus Pride festival was a huge success in 2009. More people came out for the festival and parade this year than any time in history with estimates hovering around 200,000 people. I enjoyed marching in the parade and demonstrating my pride in being who I am as a human being in society. I felt free to be who I am and always have been and lets others know I am proud to be a transwoman and member of the LGBTQ community (I actually claim a couple letters there). The weather was pretty good and everyone attending had a wonderful time and the large turnout was a sign of slowly changing times for our communities. However, I will be honest in saying more progress is needed in many different directions in our state, our nation and society if we are all to be free of hatred and discrimination and able to pursue our happiness in life. To the extent I am so able I willing to continue the fight for such rights and dignity and to build that happiness in my life and the lives of others here with me and in the future generations to come. For that is what Pride is all about in the struggle of the LGBTQ community! Happy Pride and Happy Fourth of July!

Against the Grain

2009-06-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in this world it is OK to go against the grain such as when you know that important values such as freedom or dignity are at stake. Sometimes in nature creatures such as fish like salmon go against the grain as part of their maturation process of life. However, for a transgendered person going against the grain is what causes all the stress and turmoil and conflict in our life and is exactly what causes me the greatest challenge next to what I discussed last week about discrimination and male privilege in my post transitional life. See my life started on the wrong track…the wrong path and I must now deal with the consequences of the same and work to correct these defects in my indoctrination into life.
When I was born, some medical staff personal looked down upon my tiny infant body and saw what to them was a male anatomy. No one asked me for my assessment…for my feelings or views and even if they did I could not discuss it at that tiny stage in my life. I did not discover that I felt different than other “boys” until I was six or seven years old when I first acted on what I felt inside of me was that of a girl……but by then it was too late. I had already been tracked into the male camp and the indoctrination of male values and thinking was being crammed into me by society, parents and teachers. It’s like boys and girls early on in childhood are treated relatively the same as we travelled the same road of life. Somewhere along the way the road widens and we are pushed to one side of it based upon our physical gender and not our inner essence. Shortly thereafter the road separates and “boys” are sent to one camp for training and “girls” to the other camp- again all based on outward appearance and not how we feel about who we truly are in life.
Once we are separated into these camps the indoctrination begins in full force and for those of us in the group where our inner spirit and outer shell do not coincide with each other, we are left fighting against the grain. In my case I was told I was a boy and boys do certain things. We do not express emotion except anger, we are tougher and we play physical sports. Later on we are told by our peers that woman are for our pleasure but don’t get too emotionally attached. We are told that the appendage we have down between our legs entitles us to a privilege in society – an inner circle of power and control. We are taught aggression and to lead and be in control and so on so forth. The training and upbringing runs contrary to our inner souls when one is transgendered. We know it does not fit but we try to fit in so we adapt the only teachings we are given – even if they do not fit who we are as people. The conflict, guilt and repression leads to so many problems which we try to resolve by the improper indoctrination we have been given since just after we came into the world. The conflicts create crises we struggle to resolve and this going against the grain only causes more issues and problems for us.
Meanwhile, over in the girls’ camp, the indoctrination is vastly different and if one is transgendered by virtue of being FtoM TS the same conflicts arise but the indoctrination is again an issue. Females are taught different values and concepts than males. Emotions are handled differently and indoctrination is more focused about their bodies and how to use their femininity to get things. Maybe the best learning process came from other woman through the interactions which occur among woman in society through sleepovers as teenagers to close circles of friends that evolve over the course of life’s journey. Unfortunately, I did not get to participate in these groups or the training process that society lays out for those it deems to be female based on physical assessments made at birth and not one’s true essence and spirit.
Now here I am- a post transitional woman whose body now reflects her inner essence and being but who had the wrong training during my formative years. I now live in the world against the grain. It’s like I need to go back to the time the road separated early in my life and this time to take the right route that leads me to where the girls were gathered and taught about life as a female and learned about their bodies and actions as women in life. Almost every bit of indoctrination I received ran contrary and against the grain of what I should have received to match my inner soul and essence of whom I truly was but for the physical defects I came into the world with far too many years ago. Yes I have learned much from my interaction with women over the years and this has helped. However, it cannot replace the early indoctrination that other females received that I was denied by virtue of decisions made for me based on appearances.
I view this path against the grain as well as the issues I discussed last week on male privilege and discrimination to be my greatest challenges as a post transitional woman. I see them as far more daunting and challenging barriers than anything I have done physically and I have done a good deal physically! I intend to enjoy my life, I intend to combat the undeserved male privilege wherever I can in my journey and I plan on continuing my interaction with those of my true gender of a woman absorbing as much as I can to deal with the lack of learning in this area I did not receive as a young person in life. These are the challenges that a post operative transgendered woman faces and they require as much courage and strength if not more than what was needed to come out and be one’s true self and go through the challenges of physical transition. I will with the help of many friends and acquaintances work to unlearn much of what I learned in my younger years and continue to struggle “against the grain”. I know I can be successful in taking on these challenges.

Second and Third Class Citizenship and the "Male Privilege"

2009-06-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

Last week I wrote about the physical changes in my life since my gender conformation surgery and it involved a bit of humorous look at some things but with a very significant conclusion- I am so very happy to have my body and anatomy now reflect my true spirit and my essence and end the conflict which had gone on for much of my life. I welcome the changes openly and with much happiness indeed! However, these are far more serious issues which confront my new life in the female gender which go well beyond my physical changes. The changes worry me a great deal and pose the greatest obstacles to my journey along the path of life as a woman and post op transgendered woman. It is these obstacles and issues that I would like to focus on in this and next week’s blog.
I have faced many in my former life inside the shell who have questioned my decision to come out and let the world know the real me – Melissa Marie Alexander. Some of these people and almost exclusively the males have questioned my decision to live life as the person I truly am instead of continuing to live the lie I perpetrated for so long because they see the move to expose my true gender from the shell as one involving step down the ladder as they and many in society see it. My God why would anyone want to become a woman when they lived the life (even if it was a lie) of a male and a white male at that? Women, as they see it, are second class citizens subservient to men. Let’s face it- women have been seen as second class citizens in this country despite its founding principles because the country was founded by white men. It took another 150 years before woman could even be allowed to cast a vote in this country. Forty-four US Presidents and not a single one of them a woman (and no wonder we still have so many problems here!)
Women face significant challenges in the workplace including many glass ceilings and disparate treatment even when they excel at what they do. I know for example that my old law firm was slow in the hiring of a woman lawyer and the first partner of the female gender in the firm did not occur until the early eighties. When I was recruited to the firm the class of new lawyers was four “men” I put that in quotation only because I was included in that class. Apparently the choice of my slot came down to between me another woman and I was hired instead of her. Because my true identity was hidden deep beneath my shell I was deemed to be accorded the so called “male privilege” that fosters the exclusion or disparate treatment of women in our male dominated society. I recall several instances where the male attorneys in the firm and in the bar at large would refer to female attorneys with statements such as “she is a good female lawyer” instead of she is a good lawyer. We already know her gender so obviously the statement implies that female lawyers are judged by a different standard than of that applied to non female lawyers. Another example was another of my colleagues referring to the fact that “she took the adverse decision like a man” What in the Sam Hell does that mean? Again it simply implies that women are held to different standards than men in our society.
Don’t get me wrong I benefited from the so called “male privilege” despite the fact I did not deserve it but further more why does it exist in the first place? Just because over two hundred years ago white men, based primarily on Biblical influences, which is a document written by men for the benefit and empowerment of men, controlled everything and made the laws does that mean that in the twenty- first century this so called male privilege should continue to exist and women treated as second class citizens? Sure there are differences between men and women however these differences do not relegate women to the second class status many males believe should continue to exist in our society. That is why so many men have trouble with M to F transsexuals. Why (in their mind) would any male want to take the step down the ladder to live life as a female? I am sure that just as I am changing all my legal documents recently to reflect my true gender status as a female I must be getting some papers sent to me somewhere by the “Good ole Boys “ association dismissing me from the group and stripping me of a privilege which has no right to even exist in this society! I recall the jokes that were shared with me by those in this male privilege regarding women which displayed how many men truly felt about the so called softer gender.
I have become a second class citizen in my country by virtue of my transition to live life in my true gender of a woman. Hell, some people can rightfully argue that because I am a transgendered woman as well that I actually fall in the category of third class citizen. That is why many transgendered people and especially transwomen attempt to go stealth after the surgeries so at least they are only discriminated against for being a woman and not a transwomen. I will now face significant and pervasive discrimination that will dramatically impede my ability to find new work. It is tough enough to find work in a difficult economy without being thrown into the jaws of discrimination. Will I be judged on my education, my degrees, my work experiences and skills or even my drive and work ethic when it comes to hiring or promotions? Most likely not if the decision maker is one in the class of the male privilege. In that case, the decision will likely be made on the fact that I either have a vagina or I now have a vagina but did not always have one. Either way- I’m screwed! Another case in point is my current professional group decided they did not want me to serve again on the Board of Directors despite my willingness to do so. Let’s see- this year the incoming President is a male and the chair of the Nominating Committee is a male. I have been told however that there is interest in having me return in 2010-2011 year to the Board. It is interesting to note that the following year the President will be a woman and the chair of the nominating committee will be a woman. Hmmmmm……I don’t think much more be said here on this do you?
I am not going to take discrimination against me – either as a woman or a transgendered woman sitting down that is for sure. I am not going to let a bunch of macho males espousing some claim to “male privilege” stand in my way of achieving my goals in life or from making a living. However this issue is one that concerns me and stands as a great challenge to me and many other transgendered women in our society. I have many so many of my sisters over the years that when I ask them what they do for a living , they tell me what they use to do before they came out and transitioned but sadly their talents are wasted afterward as they are unemployed! It worries me far more any physical change which has occurred as a result of all these procedures over the last several months. Dr. McGinn should have written on my affidavit that Melissa Marie Alexander is fully female …..and therefore must relinquish her entitlement to “male privilege” previously bestowed upon her by virtue of her wonderfully executed façade of pretending to be a male and furthermore subject herself to second class citizenship, discrimination, glass ceilings and misperceptions (and not mention the butt of much male humor)………………….I know that there are some good males out there in society who don’t think in stride with those who exercise their male privilege. Almost all of the gay men I have met in our GBLT community are like this and a few other straight ones as well-but the majority of males in our society cling to this male privilege and reinforce its presence on a daily basis. Maybe someday it will all change and the so called male privilege will end and woman will be treated as true equals in society. Maybe someday a woman might even become President of the United States and get a chance to show that even after over two hundred years of male rule of the country that it takes a woman to come in and clean up the mess which was created by all those other years of leadership by those in the male privilege. Maybe someday transwomen will rise from the status of third class citizens as well in society and that we can be judged on our talents, experiences, training, passions, education and commitment instead of what our bodies use to look like when we were pretending and living life in a shell that afforded us the benefit of a privilege that we did not deserve and which does not even need to exist in our modern society.

First Impressions

2009-06-10T07:01:00.000-07:00

Well I have had these new body parts for a few weeks now and there has been some adjustments indeed so I thought I would take the opportunity with this blog to assess my first impressions of this new life with the right anatomy although I have much more to go to learn about it and to continue my journey spiritually as well. The surgical procedures did more than just change my anatomy. Heck they even affected my internal thermometer. My ex- wife would be roaring with ironic laughter right now! I have always been a very warm blooded soul who more likely than not overheated and always felt so warm that I cranked up the AC in the house and in the car to ice box levels. Ice cycles hung from my ceiling of my house and formed on the inside of my car windows! Even at my old office my secretary wore a sweater all summer to keep herself warm while sometimes I still overheated while working at my desk. The raging battle at my old household was for control of the thermostat with my ex seeking to turn up the temp and me turning it down. I operated in the household with shorts and a t- shirt while she wore long pants and used blankets. I remember one time I owned a car with dual climate control and my ex-wife absolutely loved it. Each side of the car differed by twenty degrees in temperature and I am not exaggerating either! They all would be laughing now- my ex and my old secretary watching me shiver in a restaurant and sit in a room without the AC going or putting on a jacket to go into a store to keep warm. I guess I had it coming. Even Paula who is more coldblooded in nature is happy and smirking that my thermostat is now more in line with hers……Somehow I am not seeing the humor in all this!
And just so I can experience what cold really is in contrast to, nothing of course suits postop TS better than those lovely hot flashes which have you ripping off the sheets and wanting to strip naked as your body temp rises to a near boiling level. Yes, post op TS woman experience what post menopausal women experience in terms of hot flashes. Whoooooooooooo Nelly – those are sure fun! I even broke down and got one of those little battery operated fans to blow on me when an episode strikes. I remember my mother having one of those and using it frequently after her hysterectomy. Great- I have further evidence I have become my mother…..This is not funny!
Then of course I did not get to experience the “joys” of using feminine protection during my early years of my life due to my birth defects of being born with the wrong body parts. However, no woman should go through life without such an experience and post operative TS woman get to use this protection every day for about six months and I am changing the pad three to four times a day. If I had known this stuff was going to get used this much I would have invested in stock of these companies long ago! I could be floating in money by now! And let’s not forget those feminine wipes. Let’s see…some for the upstairs bathroom and some for the downstairs bathroom and don’t forget to put some in your purse for travel use. Yeah- I will stick them right next to the extra pad I carry around in my purse- like there was not enough stuff accumulating in the purse already!
Dr. McGinn, my surgeon utilizes the most aggressive schedule for dilation of any surgeon in the world. Her strategy is similar to the voting strategy of my old stomping ground in southern West “By God “Virginia where crooked politicians (are there really any not so crooked ones?) encourage you to vote early and vote often and vote even if you are dead! Dr. McGinn follows this approach and requires her patients to dilate six times a day for the first eight weeks. To be quite honest, like that of my good old West Virginians, I am not sure that death is an excuse not to vote or not to dilate. I figure I am spending time preparing to dilate, the dilation time itself and then clean up from the dilation- so easily this occupy a good five hours of my day. Considering I try to get a good night’s sleep that is a good chunk of my waking time indeed. When asked what my occupation is I should just say I am a “dilation specialist.”
Now the bathroom thing is no big deal since I have been using woman’s restrooms ever since I began presenting in my true gender identity and I am very comfortable sitting to pee and even did so at my residences. I actually enjoy sitting down to pee. There was one and only one advantage to the old genitals as I actually saw it and that was when you had to go badly and the only “bathroom” around was some old rusty, stinky, filthy gas station restroom that looked like World War Three had broken out or even worse- a porta potty where thoughtless men have urinated and such all over the “lovely” seats that sit over a hole! That was the time and the only time to revert to the old reliable method in the vertical position with the directional spout.. That is no longer an option however! My friend Anne talked the other day about trying to pee in nature on a camping trip with her Girl Scout Troop and doing the squatting thing…..I can just see it now …how many pairs of shoes do I need to bring with me to try that stunt? My doctor did not let me, or anyone else who just got their catheter out, to leave her office without demonstrating we can pee so after she removed the packing and catheter I sat in her lobby and drank five bottles of water in near chugging fashion until I hurriedly moved to the bathroom to demonstrate I could pee. I will say this however, a few drips on the butt cheeks and down the back of the leg are not uncommon -but it’s no big deal.
Really, I jest a bit with regard to the physical changes I have experienced since this miracle surgery which still blows my mind. So what if there are a few drips in the sitting to pee method and someone has to make some money on pads, panty liners and feminine wipes. I don’t care if I need a jacket or blanket now and then -even in the summer and my little fan is kind of cute. I furthermore don’t care if Dr. McGinn wants me to dilate ten times a day. None of these things matter! For the first time in my life I can look down upon my body and gaze upon the body that I knew all along should have been there and it is so incredibly beautiful to me! Even my panties fit better and my skin grows softer and softer by the day!
It is not the physical changes that concern me at all! However, in the coming weeks I will address the issues that really do concern me -which focus much more on the societal pressures and emotional challenges that now stand in my path of my journey as Melissa. But as for the body, I am so happy that my body now fully reflects my soul, my spirit and essence for the first time in my life! I will however try to avoid tailgate parties that utilize porta potties and decline invitations for long extended hikes in the woods or camping trips but on the other hand maybe all the summer humidity won’t be a so much a problem as it use to be with the old thermostat! I wish again to thank everyone for their kind words and thoughts and prayers during this process and my recovery. Hugs to all my friends and my sisters and brothers in my community and beyond!

Recovery, Sisters and the Greatest Gift

2009-06-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

The last day in the hospital and transfer to the hotel after my discharge and instructions from the nurses and Dr. McGinn was a triumphant one for me and one of accomplishment for me in a very beautiful but difficult week. Kiddingly, Dr. McGinn referred to me by Thursday as her senior and three other girls underwent GCS or GCS and BA following my lead on Monday. Terry, the mid fifties lawyer from NJ had her procedures performed on Tuesday and she pretty much operated on her own without support. Barah the 29 year old local gal whose job is best described as “the female Homer Simpson with intelligence” had her surgeries on Wednesday and she had several friends with her for support. She unfortunately needed it as she had the biggest setback of all as she tore a stitch straining to expunge gas and had to have it repaired and the administration of two pints of blood. She cried a lot after it happened and she was depressed understandably. Barah gave me the best compliment on Thursday when I came to see her on my limited walks with a walker and held her hand and tried to comfort her ….she said “ Melissa your hand is so soft and feminine” Paula also visited her as well as Terry since she had no one with her. On Thursday, Marcy from Orlando Florida (the freshman) underwent her procedures and she had only visits from her previously estranged father of 15 years and of course our floor angel Paula as well as myself during my brief walks. We would be the class of the week of May 18th and the last of the month of May for Christine McGinn.
As I mentioned all of us struggled with the pressure of gas due to the fact we had purged for days and only slowly had regained appetites. I know I did not pass gas until the nurses stood me to stand on Wednesday morning and I was embarrassed as I did so in front of them but they said “Don’t worry Melissa…let her rip”. By Thursday night I was expunging the gas pressure buildup so frequently that when my physician asked about it I responded by saying that “ I have not passed so much gas since when I was in my college days and went to White Castle after a night of beer drinking at the clubs” . Dr. McGinn who always tries to maintain friendliness but decorum almost lost it with my reply and instead said on that note; she would see me in the morning.
Paula and I showed up at the hotel on Friday night and she got me to the room where I collapsed on the bed. I would be still wearing the catheter and have my packing in from the surgery. I was weak and had trouble bending, pulling myself out of bed or getting myself onto the toilet and walking or standing were only tolerable. Despite the pain and discomfort as I mentioned in the first part of this discussion last week I had made a conscious effort to wean myself from all the drug so I took my last pain pill on Friday night and never touched them again. The other girls including several twenty years my junior kept pounding them like candy for many more than the five days I took them and one took hers every four hours regularly. They did not understand how I tolerated the pain and discomfort without the pain medications. I am not sure how I did it myself except I am notorious for going down hard early and then coming back strong and dealing with the pain. Secondly, I pushed myself to walk everyday and many chose not to do so – choosing instead to stay in their hotel room because they did not look the best (like that was even possible after what we all had just undergone. Also many did not like getting out and about with all the packing in or catheter attached but I did not let these things stop me.
Three times a day I walked the floors of the hotel, I bought several long stretch cotton flowing peasant skirts which I use to conceal the catheter. As for the walk well it was not very lady like as they say and more resembled a cowboy after a long hard ride but you try walking with 12 feet of packing shoved up your cavity and we will see how you do indeed! Walking and resting and taking my vitamins and antibiotics began my daily course for several days. By Monday night I wanted to tear the packing out myself and remove the catheter and I could not wait for Tuesday morning and my first post op visit to Dr. McGinn’s office. The first thing I learned to do when arrived there was, even with some soreness and stiffness, to get into the stirrup chair. I will have to say that really does put one in a very open and vulnerable position for sure. Dr. McGinn then removed about twelve feet of packing from my new vagina and Paula counted the feet as they came out. Do you remember the old magic trick where the magician pulls out the scarf that never seems to end out of the hat? That trick pales in comparison to what my surgeon did in the removal of the packing. Then came the separation of my catheter which had been my restroom for eight days by my physician. After all the removals had been accomplished the moment of truth was upon us as she lowered a mirror down to reflect her work and my new anatomy – one that would finally reflect my true essence of a woman. I was stunned and overcome with emotion as she did this ….there it was …my vagina. She told me about all the swelling and scars and bruising but despite all those things it was the most beautiful reflection to ever come from that area of my body. I almost cried and Paula said I begin to glow radiantly. I could not believe the ugly parts that never felt right on my body were gone and they were replaced by a beautiful vagina. Dr. McGinn then conducted neew anatomy 101 and went through all the specs on my new correct genitalia. This was followed by first gift……....a package containing two dilators that I soon would become my new “best friends”. The smaller one was pinkish color and I later nicknamed it “The Pink Lady” and the larger powder blue one I nicknamed affectionately “Mistress Blue” I suspect Mistress Blue was going to hurt a bit ….LOL. Dr. McGinn demonstrated the process of dilating and then had me do it under her supervision. Everything went smoothly and I was now on her rigorous schedule of dilation as Dr. McGinn requires dilation six times a day for the for the first eight weeks before dropping to four and so forth over time. No other physician performing this surgery requires this level of frequency but she believes optimal results are obtained with a very rigorous dilation schedule and so my life over the initial 8 weeks will be spent largely in recovery and in cycle of regular and frequent dilations! After we left Dr. McGinn’s office I returned to the hotel and enjoyed the pleasures of a hot steamy shower- the first one in eight days. Oh My God did it feel so good…real body wash, hot water, shampoo and conditioner ….it was like heaven and I will admit I was not good with water conservation on that use but after eight long days I needed it badly!!! After freshening up I got comfortable on the bed and did my first dilation on my own. In time, I knew I would grow far more comfortable with the process.
On Wednesday, Paula and I went out to pick up some supplies after dining Tuesday evening with Terry the woman who had her surgery the day after mine. She is a practicing lawyer in New York and NJ. She immigrated from England and still carries the English accent. She is a delightful gal and hopes to find a nice gentleman to spend her time with after she recovers from all this we went through. Paula looked in on her a great deal during the week while she recovered at the hotel. Paula and I also decided on Wednesday to pick up some pies and a thank you card for the nursing staff who took such good care of me during my stay. It was good to see the ladies again and they were so surprised to see me and talked about how wonderful I looked and clearly appreciated the gesture of our gifts and cards. I truly could not believe how these people provided such outstanding care and each one of them before they left their last shift before I left came up to me and held my hand and wished me well in my future. I was deeply touched by their warmth and the outstanding care they provided! .
We ate dinner that night with the young friends of the girl who had her surgery two days after me named Barah. Barah had had a bit of a rough time and was now cautious and did not join us. She is a beautiful young girl who was the local gal living only thirty minutes away. She is a control operator at a nuclear power plant. Yes- she is the female Homer Simpson although with a wee bit more intelligence than that of the bumbling cartoon character. Her friends Kate and Lindsey were great company. Barah like Terry also is interested in finding a guy to date now that her physical transition is complete. She got her catheter and packing out on Thursday shortly after my second visit to Dr. McGinn. At this visit,Dr. McGinn did some revisions, rechecked the depth and approved my departure. She also gave me two wonderful gifts. The first was my affidavits that I would be able to use to change my gender marker on my legal documents. I loved reading it. The second gift was a butterfly necklace made from a wing of butterfly that had died naturally. It was beautiful and it represented my freedom to soar as my true self- Melissa. I had now emerged fully from the shell that trapped me for so long to soar as the beautiful butterfly I am and always have been in my life!
We dined with Barah and Terry and Barah’s good friend Kate on Thursday and we all hugged one another and promised to stay in touch. On Friday Paula and I spent several hours visiting the girl who had her surgery four days after me and she was still in some pain. She was a young beautiful girl who does hard outdoor work despite her petite frame and stature. She spoke Spanish fluently and had immigrated to Florida from Uruguay. Marcy had only recently reconnected with her father who was obviously struggling with her child being transgendered. Marcy also would like to find a nice man to date. Yes- I was the only lesbian in the girls of week of May 18th. Sometimes I wonder why but more and more girls seem to seek men as their partner after transition either because of society’s pressures to fit in after an already stressful life or sometimes maybe the need to validate themselves as woman with the traditional fare of a man. I am glad they will find happiness in their partners following transition. The softness and sweetness and passion of another woman somehow escape these girls but I am not sure why this occurs. I hope each of my sisters who shared my time with as we went through the surgery and recovery together find peace and happiness in their journey. To each their own, of course and each must find their own path in this journey. I wish them nothing but sheer happiness for life is best filled with happiness than with misery for sure!
After packing few things and getting some dinner, Paula and I prepared for our return trip home where I would continue my recovery. I feel stronger each day and getting more strength back as I exercise by walking and resting in between the frequent dilations. Just about the time I get myself back to a good comfort level with my strength and recovery it will be time to do this all again – albeit with the roles reversed and Paula undergoing the process. She knows what to expect and I know what she will be feeling. I will need to find my strength to be her supportive loving partner and help her get through all of this surgery and recovery. It is her time to shine and the focus must be all on her and her needs! I hope I can be as good in this role as she was for me in mine. I wonder whether any other girls will be undergoing their surgery that week with her and if so I wonder whether any will have partners or even be lesbians. I know she will be happy to gaze down upon the work of Dr. McGinn and see the reflection she always felt should have been reflected back in the mirror. In the meantime …..I think it is either time for me to walk, take some vitamins and supplements or dilate again so I bid you all a farewell till next time …..Thanks again for all your loving support and kindness during my surgery and recovery! Hugs, Melissa
I hope you enjoy the slide show of my journey in New Hope and if you want to read the sptions for the pics you will need to keep the curser in play so the film strip shows on the side which pics advance…….

Make a Smilebox slideshow

New Hope and New Birth

2009-05-28T19:10:00.000-07:00

My ole my……………… a whole lot has occurred in the past couple weeks since I last wrote just before my departure for my long- desired surgeries which took place in Pennsylvania. Not long after I last wrote and posted my closing thoughts and thanks to many who affected my journey to this point Paula and I loaded up my CRV and headed off for New Hope Pa. I truly love the name New Hope for the promise it offers and upon arriving there Friday evening we strolled the streets of one of the state’s most eclectic LGBT friendly cities where we found neat little shops, bistros, galleries and clubs nestled in a scenic community along the river. The rainbow flags flew everywhere for every little nook and cranny of this exceptionally friendly city. We also discovered something else upon our arrival – we had arrived during New Hope’s pride week celebration. We dined on the patio of a restaurant after site seeing a bit and purchasing some sundries. The weather was awesome and it would be my last real meal and night of fun for awhile so after our exceptionally delicious meal we strolled the streets looking for ice cream and then took in the sounds of a local all female band at local brew pub. We returned on Saturday for the Pride Parade and did some more shopping for clothes and Paula found the Holy Grail of clothes at a shop along the way and I did a little damage there myself. The parade was great fun and we ate out for lunch and dinner but by that time my diet was limited to “liquid diet” so all I could have is soups. The people of this community are fun loving and diverse and we took quite a liking to this community. It is defiantly a place to celebrate and enjoy life and frames the new beginning that I was about to undertake.
Sunday the diet got worse. It started with a breakfast of vegetable broth and a lunch of chicken broth followed by the administration of a disgusting substance known as Magnesium Citrate which was designed to clean my bowels out with repeated trips to the toilet and the early morning hours of Monday were topped off with the last purge induced by an enema. I knew these were sacrifices that would have to be made to get where I wanted to be in my journey. On the early dawn hours of Monday morning we left the hotel and traveled the three miles to the site of Lower Bucks Hospital where my surgeon Dr. Christine McGinn awaited my arrival, I checked in fairly easy and after undergoing some blood work it was off to a place they called “Short Surgery”. This area is not named for the length of the surgery or anything else but the area where preparation and meetings with doctors would take place and was only steps from final preparation. DR. McGinn marked my body with outlines of where she wanted the breasts to lie after surgery and the incisions to be made. The surgery would be about 5-6 hours since I was doing both the GCS as well as the breast augmentation. I met with the nurse and lab tech and more blood was drawn and finally the meetings with the physicians including the house physician as well as Dr. McGinn and her assistant.
Paula got to stay with me here but soon we had to separate and we departed with our usual embrace and kiss and message of love and support and I was laying on a bed in final preparation. I did the opportunity at this point to take one last glance on the defective parts that had defined me for so many years and caused me so many problems over the years and which were the source of my conflict and struggle. Most of them would survive but in the reformed way – the way they should have been from the start to avoid all these problems. The ones that have caused me the most problems would however be gone and marked for destruction in and incineration in a medical waste bag! Good riddance! I was still conscious as the aestheticians asked me final questions and my IV was started and final arrangements made for surgical procedures to be performed. I remember being wheeled to the OR where they started strapping me down to the table all spread apart and I looked at the clock and saw it was about a few minutes after 8 AM. It would be the last thing I remember. Lights out ….time warp……..and what seemed like a few minutes later but was actually 6-7 hours later I again her nurses call my name from above me …”Melissa” …..I am groggy and sluggish but I am awake and saw the staff and nurses and my doctor. I immediately felt deep severe pain all over my body with some pockets of numbness. Dr. McGinn had gone down the hall earlier after the surgery to inform my loving partner Paula that I was fine and that it had gone well. Soon I would be moved to 4E on the building to begin my life of living in Room 469 for the week.
Paula came in minutes after I got there and she had bought me a little gift…...it was a cute, little cabbage patch doll that said “It’s a girl” on it and I held the adorable little doll and thanked Paula for the doll. In my mind I remembered my father denying me a request for a GI Joe Doll when I was a child on the grounds that “ boys don’t play with dolls”…….I liked my doll and named her Marie after my middle name and she stayed with me all week in my bed. Morphine is a great thing when it arrives self-dispensed and I was in great excessive pain – maybe the worst pain I had ever felt and that night the upper body bothered me far worse than below the belt as they say. I could not even move my arms. I calculated that the morphine came out ( it made a beep when it did ) every six minutes so I watched the clock…and squeezed it at 6:00 PM then 6:06 ….then 6:12, 6:18 and so on. Due to the severity of the pain the nurse called my doctor and I was administered supplemental morphine on the hour…MORE PLEASE…..I simply could not get enough….No food was allowed but I could have fluids so I drank water and fruit juice and Paula fed me ice chips and put balm on my parched lips caused by all the anesthesia. She also slept the night in my room on the chair and held my hand some throughout the night that is when it was not squeezing the morphine dispenser. I thought to myself …do I feel any different? Well I felt a sense of peace over what had transpired on the day of my rebirth but the full effects of the same would be forthcoming in the days ahead!
I remember also I was allowed a sleeping pill which I ingested and drifted in and out of consciousness throughout the night. Morning came and I was allowed juice and cream of wheat and I pumped in more morphine. By noon that day they finally pulled the drip and IV and I began a regime of Vycadon ingestion every four hours. By the time Christine came in that afternoon, I could barely keep my head up from all the drugs….I was floating so high it felt better than anything I had ever done in college. I barely recall eating my first decent meal in four days on Tuesday evening and sleep was so disrupted I woke up at 3AM and remained awake until the nurse came in at around 6 AM. I decided on Wednesday morning that I needed to stop hitting the drugs so hard and begin weaning myself off the pain meds. I reached that goal in days when I took my last pain pill on Friday night before going to bed. Other girls who had surgery that week were still pumping the pain pills well until the next week. The drugs were disrupting my sleep and I needed to get back to some sense of regular pattern again and get all this stuff out of my system. Beginning Wednesday and even over the objections of the nurses I began slowing down on the pain pills .Wednesday also meant removal of the tape and temporary sutures designed for two days which prevented me from moving my legs since I came out of surgery Monday. Unfortunately the heat and moisture caused by laying on one’s touché caused my skin to tear off when the tape was removed leaving bed sores which began bleeding even though the weekend. Unbelievably some people in the world out there actually think we “choose” to be transgendered. After all we go through emotionally and physically to correct the birth defects that plagued us all our lives I now must say these people are clearly incapable of intelligent thoughts in my opinion. Yes I did just call you a moron if you even believe this in the slightest.
Wednesday morning I actually put in my contacts laying face up and did my makeup by a small mirror held lovingly by Paula. I was a bit more awake and ate better and even got to stand up for the first time which took every ounce of strength and energy just to get on my feet and stay there for a minute of two with assistance before I collapsed back into my bed exhausted. That afternoon I was visited by my dear friend Alice who just four weeks earlier had been undergoing her rebirth at the same hospital. She brought a friend with her named Jackie and we chatted for hours. Paula had been angel to me all week and in every way possible. She also took it upon herself to visit the other girls that week as Dr. McGinn had one new arrival to our wing each day through Thursday. I was so proud of her and her heart is so big and so full of love. On Thursday I took my first steps in the morning and again a longer run in the evening actually visiting each of the other girls I shared my rebirth week with and chatted briefly. Friday I grew stronger and walked twice more again visiting with the others and hugging them and walking without assistance and making laps around the halls as the nurses encouraged me on.
The nurses at Lower Bucks Hospital were incredible and I received some of the best care I had ever received anywhere anytime by these beautiful angels. Each one before they left their last shift before I was to be discharged came in and took my hand and said they wished me well. It touched me deeply that these people actually cared more for me than my own family members who had tossed me away into nonexistence. I intend to write a letter to the facility telling that what a great job their nurses did during my stay and how caring these ladies were in their work and attention to the level of care! Friday night meant I was cleared by my physician to be released. I remember Paula helping me dress and get makeup on and I popped up and walked behind the wheelchair with a nurse by my side as I proudly existed the building and Paula had the car waiting there all cooled down and helped me get in the vehicle. We were driving about ten miles away to a town called Bensalem where we stay another week in a hotel only a few minutes from Dr. McGinn’s office. My follow up care and exams would take place there. Living for a week there reminded me of the base camp Paula and I established following my facial surgery in January. A whole new set of challenges, awakenings, experiences and friendships awaited me upon our transfer………………………………….

Hope, Thanks and Final Thoughts

2009-05-13T19:14:00.000-07:00

Wow…is it really going to happen? This is the question I have asked myself a few times this week as I tick off the hours till my scheduled gender confirmation surgery next Monday. I keep thinking they might call and cancel it or something strange will happen – not that I want anything to happen or for them to call it off but sometimes it all just seems so surreal. It sort of dawned on me that this would be the last blog written by me as a pre-op TS woman but I will have much more to say on the “other side” as they say. The day of a transgendered person’s GCS is a very special day in the life of a transgendered person…the day of new birth…the day I am born again- this time with the right body parts. It is the physical completion of my transition to live life in my true gender as a woman.
After Monday, no longer will my physical gender be in conflict with my inner gender, my soul and essence as a woman. Does it scare me? Not really ……I have confidence in both my decision to undergo the surgeries because I am and always have been -a woman. I have undergone complex surgery before with the facial surgery a few months ago (to which I owe much thanks and appreciation to Dr. Jeffrey Spiegel in Boston MA for his care and exceptional work and vision) and finally I have all the faith in the world in the skills, hands, talent, caring passion and dedication of my surgeon- Dr. Christine McGinn. I feel I will be pretty calm and comfortable as I lie on the gurney as they wheel me to the OR to begin the work of creating what should have always been there on my body as a woman.
The surgery will not make me woman….I already am one and have been all my life- but my life was screwed up because I was indoctrinated as a male due to my physical characteristics when I was born and not the characteristics of the woman I was spiritually on the inside. I have been working to undo much of the “bad “training and learn the things I should have known all my life but was not told. It’s like I have to join the female gender parade after it has already marched twenty blocks and I am suppose to know what was in those twenty blocks and what was seen and learned in those twenty blocks will be needed to march the next twenty. I know I have much to learn still about living life as woman and my journey will continue long after the surgeries in a few days. Heck I have to learn a few physical things too. To be quite honest…..my anatomy will be vastly different come next Monday and I will have to take the time to learn about it! In all honesty it’s something I should have learned when I went through puberty but for the incorrect physical parts. I am excited and I am very much at peace with what is to come- just as I have been in living my life as my true essence and gender since last summer. Although I have much to learn about the new anatomy as well as the intellectual aspects of living life as Melissa, I fully embrace the journey and the growth as a person and a woman.
Well before the actual surgery takes place Monday I will have an “interesting weekend” in preparation for the procedures. I know those who have already gone through the process or read about it can skip this part but for those of you not familiar with what happens ……here it is. First of all this week I had to buy all my supplies I will need for the process and many of them make sense. I need new vitamins to deal with my new anatomy including calcium because apparently I will now have the same risk of developing osteoporosis as any other woman. I will also admit that first time in my life I had to visit and purchase from the feminine protection aisle. Genetic woman have visited this aisle so many times since their youth they would be rich if they got a dollar every time they had to do so. I would have gladly done this even with all the discomfort or PMS it brings because I would have loved to have been able to carry a tiny life inside my body and bring that little child into the world. It is a part of femininity I will never get to experience. I also had to purchase supplies needed for the regimen of dilation that I will be under for most of the next six months following the surgery.
Two days prior to the surgery I will commence a “liquid” diet. Sounds like a delicious menu of protein shakes and soups and drinks which by the way cannot contain alcohol. On Sunday it gets even better as I switch over to a “clear liquid” diet which means for two meals I can have water, clear broths, certain juices and clear sodas and popsicles. Whoa…Nelly! This sounds so incredibly delicious I am surprised this diet has not hit the markets! Then we have the crème de crème of the day at 4:00 PM with the administration of the ever popular “Magnesium Citrate Bowel Prep” (yummy), followed by another delicious dose of the stuff at 8:00 PM and oh about 6- 7 hours of making increasingly hurried trips to the bathroom. I still remember the scene in Donna Rose’s book “Wrapped in Blue” where she is reminiscing about her life as she crawls back from the bathroom from the repeated visits to the bathroom during this process and crawls into a ball on the bed from the cramps. Assuming I can somehow fall asleep after this delightful process I will have to be up and at it early on Monday with the administration of a delightful early morning enema- an awesome way to start a day if I must say! After I clean up and get dressed it’s off to the hospital for check in which means sitting in a giant room of people as I am in absolute starvation and filling out paperwork. When the bureaucracy has decided it has enough paperwork completed I will get to go up to the preparation room. There, of course, you get to strip and get into those delightfully stylish hospital gowns. I am so surprised New York and Co hasn’t created a line of clothes based on these gowns for sure. It will, I guess, give me one final glance at the soon to be departed, expanded or reconfigured parts…… Soon thereafter the nurses will start my final preparation and the attachment of my IV which will serve as my food and pain killer for the next few days. But with that comes the best treat of all …..the administration of anesthesia which will soon have me out cold to the world. This is the cool part -as it is truly like a time warp. One minute you are looking at the clock and its 7:30 AM and the next minute- which literally seems no more than one minute of complete darkness and you are awake and the clock says 2:00 PM. I know Paula will be pacing the floors and worrying and some of you may even ponder during that time period and it will seem like hours for Paula and others-but for me- it will seem like only a few minutes have lapsed.
Suddenly, I will awake from the procedures with my vagina and enhanced breasts. I am sure I will be sore and it will take much healing and recovery will be slow and cautious. However, I will probably ask the stupid question almost everyone who does the process asks … “Did it really happen?” When they confirm its successful completion I know I will be smiling and soon I will be feeling the warm and tender touch of Paula’s hand on my hand. Finally, I will no longer have a body that does not fit my soul and spirit and I will know that my rebirth has begun and I will be at peace! I must use that peace and rebirth as a means to live even a better life even more filled with love and understanding. Jenny Boylan who wrote the book “She’s Not There” also subtitled this book “A life in Two Genders”. I know that I will be one of the few that people that will have such opportunity….first to live life as the person I was defined as by my anatomy at birth and then to live life as the person I always was on the inside emotionally and spiritually but with the corrected anatomy to go with it. I have stated many times that I know not why I am transgendered and while I would not wish this on my worst enemy, I have embraced it as a gift I received. God did not make a mistake….God made me transgendered and knew I would find my path in my journey and use this gift as a means to increase understanding, compassion and dignity among people.
While my journey, as I mentioned, will continue long after the procedure is finished and I have been released to return home, I have many people I need to thank for helping me reach this point- whether some knew it or not. And so- here are my thoughts and thanks to many who have so profoundly helped me along in my journey I have written about in the past few weeks
To my Parents ……..Mom and Dad I miss you both dearly and wish you could have met the real me before you both died and seen how my life turned out but maybe you saw through my shell all along. Your guidance and love helped me find my path in life and you sacrificed so much to give me a better life. Mom you always wanted a girl and I guess you really did get one but never knew it because she was hidden in the shell. I hope you like your daughter Melissa. Dad, I know you might have been embarrassed by all this at first but you taught me important values about community and helping others and I think you would have proud of Melissa in time as I have carried forward this thinking.
To My Brother Richard……Your life was cut short and just at a time when we were beginning to reconnect after years of distance caused by our vast age differences and the dealings with our parents’ demise before our eyes. Unfortunately you died only days before I was tell you on your visit in for the holidays about my life as a transgendered person and about Melissa. I knew you would have accepted me and loved me as your sister.
To Karen….my former wife of twenty-four years. I owe you the biggest apology of all for hurting you in all this and causing you so much pain. I hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the pain I caused you. I am truly sorry and wish it could have happened differently. I admire your passions for life and the gift you have with children and for the love and support you provided me and your patience with me. With each other we created two beautiful children as well! Thank you also for confronting me when you did and for reminding of all that I needed to work on to be a better person. I hope someday you find peace and happiness and hope someday you can call me Melissa.
To my children ……..I miss you both so much I cry nearly every day thinking of you. I am very proud of all you have accomplished and I know you have so much to offer this world and hope someday you will let me back into your lives again to see and share with you your love, your passion, your successes and the fulfillment of your dreams. I know that you both have been hurt by all this and I also hope you someday can forgive and that we can be part of each other’s lives again. I have much more love to offer you! Thank you for all the beautiful memories you gave me. I will always cherish them even if we have no others together. I love you both so much!
To my old friends including those you no longer speak to me or who have tossed me out of your life. I miss our friendship but I guess it was not as strong as I thought it was. I will always remember the good times we shared. To the couple of friends who have hung on through this thanks for staying with me and remaining my friend as I know it has been difficult on you to try and understand and to accept when others failed to do so.
To my niece and nephew and sister-in-law who have been kind to me and supported me during this process all I can say is thank you so much and thanks for opening the door for hospitality over the holidays last fall. It warmed my heart. I wish you much happiness in your lives.
To my new friends such as Lana, Shane, Karen, Richelle, Alice Laura, Cindy, Diane, Marilyn, Laura, Cheryl, Carol, Skylar and Angie and so many others who have enriched my life including many who never have known me but as Melissa……. thanks for accepting me and being my friend. I love you all dearly for your kindness and warmth you have extended to me! I have met so many in our community and the LGBT community at large who I have shared so much with including our stories, advice and guidance and all of this helped me so much in my journey and helped me grow. I have learned something from almost everyone I have ever met in my journey. I hope I have enriched the understanding of those outside the transgendered community as I have freely answered all the questions you have asked about my life and journey with the hope that it will help you grow and understand more.
To the loving and accepting people of North Church such as Jo Ann, Di, Pam, Eric, David and Becky, Maree and Anne, David and Roy, Linda , Ellen, Louise, Lisa and Laurie, Deb, Ken, Catherine and so many countless others…………….. all I can say is this …...I wish the world operated like North Church. I have never seen such a loving, warm and accepting place anywhere. The hugs and greetings each week have touched me deeply and the opening of your doors to our community warmly has brought such joy to my heart! I am glad to have a place to call my home and my extended family! Your prayers and support for me in my journey have strengthened me so deeply.
To my dear friend and sister Joann Carter……..we have spent so much time together over the years and like you said one time last fall on our cruise we pretty much have shared everything through our thoughts and lives throughout our wonderful friendship. I know your soul girl and I hope someday you can also find that courage to break through your shell. Your thoughts and prayers for me have always warmed and touched my heart my dear friend.
To my good friends and sisters Chloe and Debbie……. I have know you both for quite a while but that trip we spent together in Virginia was a significant part of my journey to complete my unraveling. The long talks by the fireplace over glasses of wine and while we drove around sightseeing in which I learned so much from and about you both as you were approaching what I am about to do next week was a turning point in my journey as Melissa. Thank you both for your kindness and friendship and all the wonderful times we have had over the years!
To my therapist and friend Meral Crane……..I found you when I was lost in the depths of depression over the deaths of my loved ones and trying to sort out all the issues of my gender and you responded with much understanding and compassion. I have enjoyed the group meetings you have lead as well and they brought me in contact with so many others like me and I have grown as a result of your work and my interaction with my sisters and brothers and you have helped bring me to this point in my journey for my surgery.
To my surgeon Dr. Christine McGinn ……..I chose you after months and months of research and investigation to find the physician I would be comfortable having performing the surgeries of my GCS and BA. It came down to a choice of two surgeons among the twelve or so I started with initially on my list. In the end, I chose you for your skills, your passion and your understanding which comes from the fact you have been down this path yourself and know what I seek. I enjoyed our discussions and feel comfortable with you to perform the challenging work on one of the biggest days in my life! Your follow up care is unmatched and I promise I will listen to you and all your instructions afterward.
To my love, my best friend, my partner and my soul mate Paula…………I don’t know where I would ever be without you coming into my life when you did. It was fate we met that night and destiny that we became best friends and then soul mates and life partners. I am so happy to live each day with you and your warmth and passion and love for me and your acceptance of me for who I am and have always been brought me to this point of my journey. You steady me when I falter. You comfort me when I am sad. Waking up each day with you by my side is so wonderful. I will grow old with you girl and I will soon help guide you through your surgery and recovery in only weeks as you will be helping me through mine next week. Together we will accomplish much in our lives that we failed on in our former lives and together we shall face the challenges that await us in our journey. I love you girl and I know with you at my side next week I will be alright.
Well I probably missed someone here but it definitely was not intention by any means. It is time for my closing thoughts. I know there are many outside my community who do not understand all there is about being transgendered and transitioning one’s life to live in the correct gender but that is OK. Heck- I don’t always understand all of it myself. I know this is my journey and after next week my body will reflect my soul and essence of who I always have been – even when I lived trapped in a tightly wound shell. My day of rebirth is almost here and I go peacefully and calmly and with the knowledge that this is part of my journey in life. As I have said repeatedly it will not make me a woman –that I always have been- but denied and hid for far too long. Now it is time for me to get ready to undertake the next step in my journey that will continue for me I believe until I am laid to rest someday…..it is nearing time for me to close my eyes and drift off into a deep sleep and awake knowing that this time the doctors will look down upon me and say “it’s a girl”.
One of my favorite if not my absolute favorite movies of all time is Shawshank Redemption”. I own the film and have seen it at least twenty times. It is a story of an innocent person trapped and confined in a place he did not belong and who ultimately finds redemption on the other side and is cleansed in a river of rain. I have always associated with this character and the redemption he finds on the other side of his walls. In it there are several classic lines but one of them is a saying “ get busy living or get busy dying” It is time for me to get busy living again but this time in the right gender- being who I truly am and finding my redemption. The main character has many faults but one of them is not the crimes he is charged with doing and I too have many faults but I am not guilty of anything in this matter other than being who I truly am as a human being- Melissa. Just before the main character escapes he tells his friend… “Hope is a good thing”. Hope is a good thing indeed! I hoped someday I could find my redemption and my cleansing, and for me – what will happen next week will be a start on that process. I never gave up hope although a few years ago I did not think this would be even possible. Thanks to all those you hold me in their prayers and thoughts as I go through these procedures and during my recovery- for I love you all!….I will see you all on the “other side” ………Hugs, Melissa
I hope you enjoy the slideshow of my journey and my friends and family who led me to the path of my hope and redemption……..

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